Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

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How to Avoid Mistakes When Planning a Funeral Service

Before you roll your eyes, stop and think about what I’m saying: making funeral arrangements is a lot like hosting a social gathering (I hate to call it a party, but I will) and you have to do it when you’re feeling your worst. It’s almost inevitable some mistakes are going to be made, both in funeral planning and the follow-through.

Unlike the aforementioned concept of a ‘party ’, the event you’re planning isn’t one where people mill about without direction, talking about themselves. It’s a gathering which includes a choreographed performance – one where it’s intended members of the audience are encouraged to participate. The whole effort is complicated by many factors, not the least of which is the heavy grief felt by everyone involved, which can easily lead to mistakes.

Okay, maybe mistakes aren’t at all humorous at the time, but enough of them are to ensure YouTube has a vast collection of ‘funny funeral mistakes.’ Take “When Singing at a Funeral Goes Wrong” for example. But, most only mar what was to be a memorable occasion. Then, there’s the fact you can never get a “do-over.’ Your loved one’s funeral will happen only once. That realization can put pressure on you – but if you’ve ‘’bought time’ by requesting additional cold storage time (if the arrangements include whole-body burial) or by selecting cremation as your loved one’s disposition option.


There are dozens of other online articles about funeral mistakes. So man you’d think this one redundant and unimportant. I’m hoping not; it’s my intention to be a fresh, more holistic look at the issue. Here we go with our guide for avoiding funeral mistakes:

Funeral Planning Tips to Help You Avoid Mistakes

Here’s the truth of it: when you choose to live in community it’s like you’ve entered into a ‘social contract’ with those in your closest circles. You agree, in effect, to come together when social expectation (and maybe personal desire) demands it. We’re required to collectively celebrate: births and birthdays, graduations, marriages, anniversaries, business promotions, award presentations, retirement parties and, funerals. Unless you live in a remote cabin in the woods, that’s what you’ve agreed to do, in exchange for the numerous benefits of living in community.

Don’t Make it About You

You’re not there to shine more brightly than others; you’re there to support and comfort the bereaved family. Remember, funeral or memorial service attendance is a selfless, altruistic action, which requires that you forget your (to a large degree, anyway) own needs and focus on those of others. In short, you’re there for the benefit of other: to honor the deceased and care for the emotional well-being of his or her survivors.

Dress appropriately to your role.

That means different things for everyone in the room; if you’re a close family member, you’ll dress in a way as to demarcate yourself from the guests. If you’re a guest, ‘dressing appropriately’ can mean different things depending on the funeral situation.

Here in Santa Cruz County, it’s not unusual for guests to wear bright, summer-related shirts and dresses. Planning a memorial service? Don’t ask too much of your guests: if the temperature is below freezing, don’t ask them to wear beach attire. If you’re unclear about the correct attire, ask the funeral director or a family member. Ladies, no high-heeled shoes, as they increase the chances of falling (especially if there’s a graveside service involved.) what is it they say? “Wear sensible shoes.” I’d add to that “wear comfortable clothes.”

Contribute mindfully.

To say it another way, ‘think before you speak.” All too many times, funeral memories are marred by inappropriate, ill-times statements, made out of nervousness or a selfish desire to contribute. I can’t tell you how many stories I have about inappropriate speech.’ Remember, sometimes creating a deep connection with the bereaved via eye- or body-contact is far more powerful than words – especially if they’re ill-conceived.

Don’t be intrusive.

Other stories involve funeral attendees who think it’s okay to interrupt or intrusively present their opinions or memories of the deceased. Remember what your mother told you: “Don’t interrupt!” No matter how kind your words are it’s important to deliver them in a polite, respectful manner. (If you’re planning a funeral or memorial service ‘put the call out’ for speakers. Limit participation time, and organize contributors according to their relationship to the deceased. Consider the whole of the funeral experience, placing speakers into the order of service where appropriate.)

Don’t Give in to Feeling Rushed.

Ed Michael Reggie, author of “The 4 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Planning a Funeral” noted another all-too-common (yet easily avoided) funeral mistake: feeling rushed and panicky” about making funeral arrangements. Even if the death is unexpected and no pre-plans are available, it’s possible to ‘buy time’ by requesting extended refrigerated storage from the funeral home in question. If the deceased was cremated, you have “all the time in the world” to plan the memorial service. Either way, there’s no need to do a poor job in funeral planning because you feel pressed for time.

Don’t try to do it all alone. If you’re responsible for planning a funeral or memorial service, call for assistance. No one can think of everything, much less get it all done in the required time. I would recommend putting everything in the hands of your funeral professional. It could be a traditional funeral director or, if you think a home funeral is appropriate, then you’ll turn to your home funeral guide for help. (Of course, funeral home staff can make mistakes too; you’ll find dozens of online articles on that subject. One of the best is Caleb Wilde’s “Some of the Mistakes I’ve Made as a Funeral Director.”

Let’s Face It: Making Mistakes is Part of Being Human
Funeral mistakes happen, there’s no doubt about that. When one occurs–whether you’re the hosting family or a guest– it’s important to remember Alexander Pope’s oft-quotes words: “To err is human, to forgive, divine.“

Still, with that palliative said, consider these tips to help you avoid the most common funeral mistakes.

Looking for more information surrounding funeral planning? We’ve covered funeral planning issues before, in two posts. The first, “No Funeral, No Flowers: What I Learned Planning a Memorial Service ”is both personal and instructive. The second, “Planning an A-List Funeral. Goodbye Brooke Astor,” is also worth your time (if only to answer the question, “Who is Brooke Astor?”)!

Don’t Dismiss the Healing Power of Funeral Flowers

power of flowers at funeral

Sadly, funerals have been on my itinerary more frequently the last couple of years. One disturbing trend that’s clear and often noted in the obituary is the phrase “in lieu of flowers”…. and I must say, I think it’s misguided. There’s nothing wrong with fundraising for the family or a favorite charity in place of the flowers, but when possible it’s a good idea to add floral arrangements to the service and here’s why.

Flowers Can Help Heal the Heart

Lately, the funerals we’ve attended have been for young people whose lives were cut short by the opioid epidemic. Two of the services were stark contrasts to each other. One, was loaded with flowers, the other, very minimal, with a couple of green plants. The mood at the funeral with flowers was actually a little lighter and brighter compared to the one that was barren. There is something about being surrounded by beauty in a very dark hour that helped to ease the pain.

A couple of weeks ago, a family friend committed suicide. He was well connected in our community and we were all shocked by this sudden end. His memorial service was held on a bright beautiful Saturday and was well attended, although, no one wanted to be there. That morning, I woke with a heavy heart, and a feeling of dread hung in the air. I really did not want to go to this sad gathering. The widow is a good friend and I could think of a million things I’d rather do. After jockeying for a place to park, we walked through the doors and were greeted by a familiar face handing out programs and then the stepped over to the guest book on a table that was loaded with beautiful flowers sent by grieving friends. That’s when I felt it. A feeling of calm washed over me. We’ve written about the healing power of flowers, it’s a well documented fact that you can read about all day long, and dates back to the beginning of time, but that Saturday, I actually experienced it myself.

The deceased was a veteran and had been cremated, so the family chose a patriotic themed urn and many of the arrangements were red, white, and blue, including a large flag made from flowers.

Flag floral funeral arrangement easel urn wreath funeral flowers

We are fortunate in that we have several friends that are in the floral business that experienced and super creative. I’ve been able to tap their talents and have beautiful creations that were made with love for my own departed friends and family members. I could see and feel the thought, care and precise placement of every single flower and leaf. One example would be garden statues and stones mixed into an arrangement. We kept it small enough to easily transport and it doubled as a lasting memorial gift. Another time, one of my florist friends did a gorgeous wreath to adorn my grandmother’s urn. The funeral home was right across the street and the florist was able to get the urn ahead of time to build the arrangement around it for a custom fit. She used white gardenias and roses and it was a perfect match and allowed us to have something to place on the grave at the burial. Even though the burial was a couple of days after the celebration of life service, we were able to keep the wreath looking fresh by storing it in a cool environment and lightly misting it.

For the friend that lost her daughter to a heroin overdose last summer, we commissioned an arrangement in her favorite color of purple that was centered around an angel figurine that her mother could keep as a remembrance.

angel funeral flower arrangement
Credit: Rose Among Thorns

My father in law was a baseball nut and huge Cardinal fan. When he passed away, our local florist made a baseball out of white carnations and red roses and placed it a display of baseball memorabilia.

baseball funeral flowers
Credit: Rose Among Thorns

In addition to the standard sympathy sprays, there were smaller vases, green plants, and even a couple of sculpture pieces. The bigger easel, casket sprays, and sculpture arrangements are expensive, and not everyone can afford it, but if you can pool funds and share costs with friends, the impact is huge and healing. Floral pillows and sculpture pieces are kind of old school, but they never disappoint and will even bring a smile at a funeral.

heart shape flower pillow funeral
Credit: Jennifleurs Florist Colchester

Florists can really showcase their talents here and a couple of creative and meaningful examples are the guitars and mushrooms that were created for Gregg Allman’s funeral. Traditional heart shapes, horseshoes, and ribbons are statement pieces that never go out of style.

creative funeral flowers Gregg Allman guitars
Credit: Donna Childs

Mushroom Floral Arrangement Gregg Allman Funeral
Credit: Donna Childs

So when you have several gifts of flowers at the funeral, there’s always the question of what to do with them after it’s all over. If it’s an earth burial, naturally, you can place them on the grave. But, with so many families opting for cremation and either keeping the urn in the home for awhile, or storing in a niche, a decision has to be made. In the earlier examples, the families picked a few favorites and took them home, and then contracted with the funeral home to deliver to nursing homes, hospice care, and churches. This would be a good time to add that if you are plan to send an arrangement, use your local florist! Sympathy arrangements can be costly and internet florists and wire services can result in wilted or crushed results. Out of town? Call the funeral home and get a lead on one of the florists that they are familiar with, some of the funeral homes even have in house floral departments.

Audio Books on Grief and Loss

When Things Fall Apart audio book

If you’re a fan of audio books and are looking for books on grief and loss, you’ll be happy to learn there are many to choose from, including those reviewed and recommended in two earlier posts.

The first, published in December, 2017, looked at two of my favorite tools for purposeful grieving. I’m delighted to say both Martha Hickman’s classic Healing after Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief and Bill Dunn’s 2004 book of healing affirmations, Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy are available for listening. For more on these volumes, check out “Book Reviews: Two Collections of Healing Affirmations“.

A Season of Grief audio book

The other post, Two Winter Reading Recommendations“, dates from the first month of 2018. In it, I recommended Confessions of a Funeral Director, by Caleb Wilde. While not a traditional book on grief and loss, it’s focus on cultivating a ‘death spirituality’ can assist anyone who is coping with loss – or need help in managing a fear of death. Caitlin Doughty’s From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World in Search of the Good Death is also available in audio format, as is her insightful Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and Other Lessons from the Crematory.

Why Switch to Audio Books?

I’ve been an avid reader all my life – my home is crowed with book cases crammed with books – many of which I’ve carried around for years. Now, thanks to the challenges of rapidly advancing macular degeneration, I can’t read a single one of them; so I’ve been compelled to rediscover audio books. Years ago, when homeschooling my sons; while in the car, we listened to books recorded on compact disks borrowed from the library. It was a great way to keep the car quiet – and develop in my students a greater appreciation of good books!

Things are different now: to listen to the books I’ve purchased online, I use an iPod and a wireless headset, which necessarily makes the experience a solitary one (perfect for the inner work of grieving, assisted by the wisdom and guidance of others).

There are lots of other reasons for you to ‘go audio’. Some folks like audiobooks because they allow them to ‘read’ while doing other things: driving, exercising, cooking, or gardening. While I often myself doing ‘other things’ all too often; I am working to change that habit. After all, what author wants a distracted audience? Not to mention, who can learn new ways of living when not fully listening to what’s being said?

Before I Go, Two More Recommendations

I recently finished listening to When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron, and can highly recommend it to anyone going through major life changes of any kind, including the death of a loved one. If you’re unfamiliar with Pema Chodron, you can learn more about her on the website of the Pema Chodron Foundation.

If podcasts are more your ‘cup of tea’, you’ll be excited to learn Litsa and Eleanor, the women behind the website What’s Your Grief? regularly publish Grief Support for Those Who Like to Listen.

Here’s to fruitful, mind-expanding, life-altering listening!

Anticipatory Grief: One Woman’s Story

inspirational motivational quotes for hope

Today, I’d like to talk about anticipatory grief in general, and my experience of it in particular. In the process, I’ll offer a few tips for dealing with anticipatory grief – which is exactly as it sounds. It’s the experience of grieving–not at the time of death–but long before when the specter of death becomes visible on the horizon.

Here’s My Story

My ex-husband died on June 16th, 2015. We had gotten the diagnosis of “stage 4 colon cancer” some two and a half years earlier, on Thanksgiving Day, 2012. (That holiday has never been the same, by the way.) I remember his phone call that morning so clearly as it was the moment the seed of anticipatory grief was planted–and quickly took root–deep in my heart. There it stayed, growing stronger and more complex with each passing day. At first, it felt like fear; transformed into anger and finally became an all-pervasive sadness – tinged with hopelessness.

His situation was just one thing I was dealing with at the time; our dog, Courage, was diagnosed (almost at the same time) with congestive heart failure. Certainly, 2012 was a long year; taking Matt to chemotherapy every two weeks and then coming home to provide compassionate end-of-life care for the dog. Watching them both decline was heartbreaking.

You could say there were really two seeds planted deep in my heart that season. There they stayed, rooting themselves deep.

“Grieving Before a Death: Understanding Anticipatory Grief”

Things to Remember about Anticipatory Grief

It’s very obvious to you after telling you that story; anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss. And my story proved that anticipatory grief can be your constant companion for months – years, even. So how should you deal with it?

If you’re faced with the anticipated death of a close family member or friend–or as I was–a pet; just how should you handle your anticipatory grief? Grief educators tell us that we should:

  • Accept that it’s a normal reaction to loss, whether in the moment, or in the foreseeable future.
  • Acknowledge each of the small losses experienced along the way. As your family member’s health declines, their physical and/or mental abilities will be affected. One of the saddest days we had was when Matt called to tell me he could no longer start his motorcycle – he had to ask a stranger to start it for him in the parking lot of a local store. He was devastated by the change.
  • Reflect on the time left, and determine how you wish to spend it. There’s more to this experience than visiting doctor’s offices. Find spaces in your days together for ‘quality time’.
  • Communicate openly with friends and family. This is a tough one; yet it’s imperative to get the kind of support you need (and deserve) from those around you.
  • Take good care of your physical and mental well-being. In all honesty, this is where I ‘dropped the ball’. Thanks to hindsight, I realize that during those 30 months, I drank too much alcohol and didn’t eat very well. Live and learn.

If things are really challenging for you, please think about seeing a counselor.

One thing that really helped me when I was caring for Matt and Courage during those months, was the realization that all things end. Buddhists call it “impermanence”:

“‘All…things are impermanent’ — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering.” The Buddha

run the day inspirational motivational quote

Simply knowing “this too shall pass” made each day just a bit easier. Most of the time, anyway; some days I was too tired to see the truth of impermanence. Sometimes, I felt this trial would never end; but of course it did.

Using the “Anticipatory Grief Scale”

Educators at Brown University have developed a tool – the “Anticipatory Grief Scale”–which can help you see how well you’re dealing with an impending loss. While it specifies ‘dementia’ as the source of loss, I believe you can still find value in it – simply by changing ‘dementia’ to the condition in question. See if gives you some insight into how well you’re dealing with anticipatory grief.

Just an Interesting Aside

When I was thinking about this post, tear-vials came to mind. If you’re not already aware of them; tear vials (sometimes called ‘tear bottles’) have been around for centuries. For example, when someone died “in ancient Judea, mourners left a glass vial filled with their tears in their loved one’s tomb.” (Source)

Such a lovely idea, and in my imagination, I see myself putting hundreds of filled tear bottles in Matt and Courage’s respective burial places. For me, crying was a very big part of my experience of anticipatory grief. While psychologists argue about the benefits of crying is I know the act of shedding tears for these impending losses) was a major stress reliever. But, it’s always been easy for me to cry; certainly, if you’re not amenable to crying, don’t feel that you have to!

The third anniversary of Matt’s death is just a month away. All sorts of feelings again come to the surface, and it’s time to think about what it is my sons and I want to do to honor the man, and the day. If the anniversary of your loved one’s passing is coming up, check out “Twelve Ways to Celebrate a Loved One’s Death Anniversary.”

Firefighter Burden Walk, March of the Bull

We’ve got a soft spot here for the men and women who dedicate their lives to fire service and rescue. As discussed here before, my father was a firefighter, a captain at one of the busiest fire houses in the country. Growing up around firemen, one thing we’ve noticed over the years is the cancer risk as well as respiratory issues seem to be noticeably higher among this group. When my dad started so many years ago, the department didn’t even provide air masks or respirators.  Most of these men are long retired or dead, but besides the brotherhood, they all had one thing in common, the fire house cough.

Recently, retired firefighter Tom “Bull” Hill is on a 640 mile journey from Key West to Tallahassee, Florida walking to raise awareness regarding benefits that families of firefighters DON’T receive when the spouse dies of cancer when exposed to hazards on the job. With over 30 years of service with Orange County Fire Rescue, his walk started in memory of two fallen friends who were disgusted over the lack of benefits for their survivors.

Hill traveled over a 100 miles when firemen from Miami caught up with him and offered to carry his pack to ease the burden and offered a place to rest, eat, and sleep overnight at the station.  Word traveled, and all along the route supporters have turned out to walk a few miles with Hill and carry his “burden”. He’s collected patches from the various departments and Hill started a ledger of names to remember those who died in the line of duty, medical issues, and suicide.

Earlier this week, as Hill made his way north, Danny, our friend and colleague in central Florida joined Bull Hill on the march. Danny is a couple of years away from retirement so he understands the impact this health situation can have on the families of his brothers and sisters in fire service. He is also the talented designer behind a touching memorial for firefighters, a bronze cremation urn that is a sculpted fire helmet that can be personalized with name, department, and rank.

firefighter urn for ashes

A beautiful tribute that is made by American craftsman for true American heros. Danny, we thank you for your service and for supporting awareness on the March of the Bull. You can support the men and women of the Florida fire departments by signing the petition here.