Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

funeral service

How to Avoid Mistakes When Planning a Funeral Service

Before you roll your eyes, stop and think about what I’m saying: making funeral arrangements is a lot like hosting a social gathering (I hate to call it a party, but I will) and you have to do it when you’re feeling your worst. It’s almost inevitable some mistakes are going to be made, both in funeral planning and the follow-through.

Unlike the aforementioned concept of a ‘party ’, the event you’re planning isn’t one where people mill about without direction, talking about themselves. It’s a gathering which includes a choreographed performance – one where it’s intended members of the audience are encouraged to participate. The whole effort is complicated by many factors, not the least of which is the heavy grief felt by everyone involved, which can easily lead to mistakes.

Okay, maybe mistakes aren’t at all humorous at the time, but enough of them are to ensure YouTube has a vast collection of ‘funny funeral mistakes.’ Take “When Singing at a Funeral Goes Wrong” for example. But, most only mar what was to be a memorable occasion. Then, there’s the fact you can never get a “do-over.’ Your loved one’s funeral will happen only once. That realization can put pressure on you – but if you’ve ‘’bought time’ by requesting additional cold storage time (if the arrangements include whole-body burial) or by selecting cremation as your loved one’s disposition option.


There are dozens of other online articles about funeral mistakes. So man you’d think this one redundant and unimportant. I’m hoping not; it’s my intention to be a fresh, more holistic look at the issue. Here we go with our guide for avoiding funeral mistakes:

Funeral Planning Tips to Help You Avoid Mistakes

Here’s the truth of it: when you choose to live in community it’s like you’ve entered into a ‘social contract’ with those in your closest circles. You agree, in effect, to come together when social expectation (and maybe personal desire) demands it. We’re required to collectively celebrate: births and birthdays, graduations, marriages, anniversaries, business promotions, award presentations, retirement parties and, funerals. Unless you live in a remote cabin in the woods, that’s what you’ve agreed to do, in exchange for the numerous benefits of living in community.

Don’t Make it About You

You’re not there to shine more brightly than others; you’re there to support and comfort the bereaved family. Remember, funeral or memorial service attendance is a selfless, altruistic action, which requires that you forget your (to a large degree, anyway) own needs and focus on those of others. In short, you’re there for the benefit of other: to honor the deceased and care for the emotional well-being of his or her survivors.

Dress appropriately to your role.

That means different things for everyone in the room; if you’re a close family member, you’ll dress in a way as to demarcate yourself from the guests. If you’re a guest, ‘dressing appropriately’ can mean different things depending on the funeral situation.

Here in Santa Cruz County, it’s not unusual for guests to wear bright, summer-related shirts and dresses. Planning a memorial service? Don’t ask too much of your guests: if the temperature is below freezing, don’t ask them to wear beach attire. If you’re unclear about the correct attire, ask the funeral director or a family member. Ladies, no high-heeled shoes, as they increase the chances of falling (especially if there’s a graveside service involved.) what is it they say? “Wear sensible shoes.” I’d add to that “wear comfortable clothes.”

Contribute mindfully.

To say it another way, ‘think before you speak.” All too many times, funeral memories are marred by inappropriate, ill-times statements, made out of nervousness or a selfish desire to contribute. I can’t tell you how many stories I have about inappropriate speech.’ Remember, sometimes creating a deep connection with the bereaved via eye- or body-contact is far more powerful than words – especially if they’re ill-conceived.

Don’t be intrusive.

Other stories involve funeral attendees who think it’s okay to interrupt or intrusively present their opinions or memories of the deceased. Remember what your mother told you: “Don’t interrupt!” No matter how kind your words are it’s important to deliver them in a polite, respectful manner. (If you’re planning a funeral or memorial service ‘put the call out’ for speakers. Limit participation time, and organize contributors according to their relationship to the deceased. Consider the whole of the funeral experience, placing speakers into the order of service where appropriate.)

Don’t Give in to Feeling Rushed.

Ed Michael Reggie, author of “The 4 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Planning a Funeral” noted another all-too-common (yet easily avoided) funeral mistake: feeling rushed and panicky” about making funeral arrangements. Even if the death is unexpected and no pre-plans are available, it’s possible to ‘buy time’ by requesting extended refrigerated storage from the funeral home in question. If the deceased was cremated, you have “all the time in the world” to plan the memorial service. Either way, there’s no need to do a poor job in funeral planning because you feel pressed for time.

Don’t try to do it all alone. If you’re responsible for planning a funeral or memorial service, call for assistance. No one can think of everything, much less get it all done in the required time. I would recommend putting everything in the hands of your funeral professional. It could be a traditional funeral director or, if you think a home funeral is appropriate, then you’ll turn to your home funeral guide for help. (Of course, funeral home staff can make mistakes too; you’ll find dozens of online articles on that subject. One of the best is Caleb Wilde’s “Some of the Mistakes I’ve Made as a Funeral Director.”

Let’s Face It: Making Mistakes is Part of Being Human
Funeral mistakes happen, there’s no doubt about that. When one occurs–whether you’re the hosting family or a guest– it’s important to remember Alexander Pope’s oft-quotes words: “To err is human, to forgive, divine.“

Still, with that palliative said, consider these tips to help you avoid the most common funeral mistakes.

Looking for more information surrounding funeral planning? We’ve covered funeral planning issues before, in two posts. The first, “No Funeral, No Flowers: What I Learned Planning a Memorial Service ”is both personal and instructive. The second, “Planning an A-List Funeral. Goodbye Brooke Astor,” is also worth your time (if only to answer the question, “Who is Brooke Astor?”)!

Funeral Home Price Shopping and Showrooming

cheap funeralsRecently, a funeral director mentioned how frustrating it can be to deal with price shoppers who bring smartphones and tablet computers to the arrangement conference, and openly compare prices on funeral products and funeral home services during the arrangement conversation. Some will even buy the item online right in front of the funeral director. Others think nothing of demanding a price-match or that the funeral home order funeral products from another retailer. I understand and share his frustration. Here’s why.

It’s Disrespectful

I’ll be honest: funeral directors are some of my favorite people. I’ve had the pleasure of working with funeral professionals for the past 15 years – and in all that time I met only one funeral director who didn’t like his chosen career. The rest of them were – and I’m sure continued to be – dedicated, compassionate, caring, intelligent people.

Yet, as I said in our July 25th post, “What Your Funeral Director Wants You to Know about Advance Planning”, they’ve garnered a bad reputation among the general public. They’re believed by many to be greedy and unscrupulous and engage in predatory business practices. Nothing can be further from the truth. While there are always a few ‘bad apples’ in the barrel; I’ve never met any. Here’s a suggestion: get to know your local funeral professionals personally. I’d like to think you’ll be pleasantly surprised and maybe change your mind.

FTC Funeral Rule

Many people are unaware that you are protected and empowered by the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule. It gives consumers permission to compare funeral home service prices and makes it possible for you to select – and pay for– only the funeral arrangements and products they want at the home (they) use (Source). Working within their guidelines, it is possible to get what you want at a price you can afford. But, you don’t have to be disrespectful or discourteous. Nor should you put price above value and quality.

low price high quality

Funeral Home Price Shopping and Showrooming

It seems many consumers have taken the FTC’s permission to a new tech-based level. They bring their smartphones and tablets into the funeral home and openly engage in price shopping behavior, including ‘showrooming’.

I’d never heard of it before. If you’re also unfamiliar with this practice, “showrooming” is a noun, labeling “the practice of visiting a store or stores in order to examine a product before buying it online at a lower price” (source).

Chris Morran addressed the question of shopping etiquette six years ago, in the 2012 Consumerist online article, “Is Showrooming Rude Or Just Part Of Doing Business?” this way: “There is something inherently impolite about making your purchase right in front of the person who has just spent their time trying to provide you a service. It’s like setting up a date while you’re already in the middle of a romantic night with someone else.” He’s quick to add consumers don’t have to be so thoughtless; “if you can trek all the way to a store and have someone help you, it’s not going to kill you to wait until you’re in the parking lot;” Or until you get home.

funeral director humor

Understand the Value of Funeral Professionals

Here’s what I know: funeral directors –and the embalmers and restorative artists who support them in caring for the dead–do the work no one else wants to do.

For taking on the responsibility of caring for our deceased loved ones, we owe funeral directors – and all those who support their work – a debt of gratitude.

What we don’t owe them is disrespect; and in my opinion, price shopping–and showrooming–in the funeral home during the arrangement conference is just plain rude.

I’m not the only consumer who feels that way. In a very casual survey of folks living in my area, 9 out of 10 agreed with me. That 10th person had no opinion, except to say funeral directors need to be able to deal with price shopping families. The general consensus was cost comparisons can– and should – be done at home, prior to the arrangement conference.

funeral director humor

There’s Much More to the Funeral than Cost

One funeral director shared, “We get frustrated by price shoppers. We’re annoyed that they care nothing about quality or value. They only want to get the lowest price. And in funeral service, there’s a whole lot more to consider than cost.” After all, when it comes down to the after-death care you give a loved one, would you want to have peace-of-mind which comes when you put your full trust and faith in your chosen funeral home; when you understand the real value of the services they provide. Or would you rather tell friends you “saved a bundle” on funeral costs”?

Urn Garden adds: Our experience in dealing with the funeral directors, is that they’ve acted as guides, we didn’t feel pressured to make a decision right that minute, and they were willing to wait or assist with whatever we needed. On a couple of occasions, our family knew what we wanted in an urn style, sometimes the funeral home had it, sometimes they didn’t, and were willing to wait for us and even ordered the things we needed. They were always super responsive with returning phone calls, texts, or emails.

One particular memorial service that I was involved with, the family was insistent on doing most of the work themselves to save money, but I can honestly that as the service date drew closer, they were a little sorry they didn’t let the funeral home take on more of the duties. Everything turned out well, but it was a lot of extra stress that they hadn’t planned on.

We get calls from funeral directors all the time that are ordering on behalf of the family. I’d say, take a minute, be clear about your expectations, put your phone down and listen to what your funeral director has to offer and let them help you. Families have more freedom and choices than ever today and the funeral home staff are professionals that have seen it all. Take the price list, look at the options that are available to you and schedule another meeting if you have to.

Addendum: It is possible to by-pass traditional after-death care done by a funeral home, by engaging a home funeral guide to care for the deceased. For a beautiful introduction to home funerals, read the heart-warming story of after-death care provided to 9-year-old Caroline Kirk by her parents, family and friends in the Huffington Post piece, “Home Funerals Grow as Americans Skip the Mortician for Do-it-Yourself After-Death Care.”

If, after reading this introduction, you’re intrigued with the idea of home funerals, visit the website of the National Home Funeral Alliance.

No Funeral, No Flowers: What I Learned Planning a Memorial Service

We recently had a death in the family. Our family matriarch. Grandmother. She lived a long, rich life and had made a list of specific wishes before she died.

  • Cremation was preferred over burial.
  • No funeral.
  • No flowers.
  • Have a party at the boat house at the lake.
  • She had two songs that she wanted sung at the service.

We carried out her wishes, but had to bend the rules on funeral flowers. Flowers are so healing and we knew that a wreath would help soften the appearance of the metal urn we displayed at the memorial service.  The florist we used is practically across the street from the crematory, so we arranged to have them deliver not only the flowers, but the urn, the printed memorial package, and death certificates to the venue.

Grandmother was known as Grandma Birdy, as she loved all things feathered. Our collection of bird themed urns are inspired by her. We chose a white and gold hummingbird urn for her. Crafted from cloisonne, this sturdy metal urn has a delicate design, but is suitable for burial, which we did a couple of days after the celebration ceremony. The wreath was created with white roses and lilies with a few lady bugs added for good luck. The burial followed a couple of days after the service, and with the advice from the florist, we lightly misted the arrangement and kept it cool, which kept the flowers fresh in the August heat, and we were able to transport to the cemetery and place it on the grave.

hummingbird urn wreath

Choosing cremation did allow for a little more flexibility. We held the service a couple of weeks after she passed to allow friends and family from out of town to make travel arrangements. The ceremony was held on a Saturday and burial occurred on the following Monday. The venue had table seating for 80, full kitchen, large flat screen monitor, and overlooked the lake. We arranged for audio for our vocalist and catered mini sandwiches, chips, cookies, and drinks from Hy-Vee.

We tried to keep the theme in check with her colorful personality. We used bright and cheerful table covers and decorated with bird statuary and trinkets that grandmother had collected and then we invited the guests to take one as a keepsake or remembrance.

Not knowing what to expect in the way of guests, we were touched when we realized we probably had 100 in attendance. The funeral home was gracious during the arrangement process and never pressured us. They actually saved us several hundred dollars when we discovered that the cemetery required a concrete vault for the burial of the urn. We were able to order it from the funeral home at considerable savings and they offered to deliver it to the cemetery.

We bought a memorial package from them that included a guest register book, 100 personalized funeral programs that fit our theme, 25 laminated obituaries, and thank you cards. The cost for this package was over $200 and after the service we realized that we had many programs left over.

The funeral director also arranged for the vocalist from a list of recommended contacts that they worked with on a regular basis. Even with a two week notice, scheduling conflicts created challenges in securing someone to sing. We did finally have success and she did a beautiful job. The funeral director also educated us as to what the appropriate fees were to pay both the vocalist and the minister and we appointed a family member to take care of payment at the service.

The two weeks leading up to the event were a little stressful and we were starting to wish grandmother had ordered a traditional funeral, but in the end it was a beautiful day with a couple of touching eulogies, letters read from far away family and friends, and memories shared with loved ones who took the time to come celebrate the life of one of our greatest generation.

 

What Your Funeral Director Wants You to Know about Advance Planning

Get started inspirational quoteIt saddens me to say funeral directors have–for many folks anyway– a reputation for a predatory approach to caring for the dead. This negative thinking, in the long run, hurts us, because it make us less willing to engage funeral directors in the necessary task of advance funeral planning.

Funeral Directors Get a “Bad Rap’

The first time I came across this bias was when I watched Alastair Sim in Scrooge, the 1951 film adaptation of Dicken’s A Christmas Carol. The undertaker is standing at the top of the stairs, waiting for Jacob Marley to die. Of course, he’s tall, gaunt, and wears black from head to toe. When Scrooge sees him standing at the top of the stairs, Scrooge makes the observation, “You don’t believe in letting the grass grow under your feet, do you?” The undertaker shrugs as quietly says, “Ours is a highly competitive profession, sir.”

I think I was about 8 at the time; just a year later – in 1963 – Jessica Mitford published “The American Way of Death”, “an eye-opening exposé of abuses in the funeral home industry in this country – which cemented the image of the predatory funeral director in the minds of most Americans.

In 1965, the film version of Evelyn Waugh’s 1948 satirical novel about the funeral business, The Loved One: An Anglo-American Tragedy, was released; it too did damage to the image of funeral directors and funeral home owners.

Today, this prejudice has produced watchdog groups like the Funeral consumers Alliance, and stories about funeral director criminal conduct, like “How Your Funeral Director is Ripping You Off” or Time magazine’s 2012, “When Putting a Loved One to Rest, Avoid These Misleading Sales Tactics” have contributed to a widely-held belief about the funeral professionals: they are not to be trusted. And for the most part, that is simply not true. Most funeral directors that I know personally, are caring compassionate people that feel that their chosen profession is a calling or even a mission in life to care for those in their darkest hour.

All that negative ‘noise’ prevents us from listening to what funeral directors are saying about the critical importance of advance funeral planning. In truth (and this is what funeral directors want you to really understand) making your end-of-life arrangements ahead of time is not only financially smart, it’s also compassionate and caring. It saves your family from the trauma of making big decisions when they are least prepared to do so; in short, it liberates them. When you’ve taken the time to do advance funeral planning with a funeral home you trust, you’ve given your survivors ‘room’ to grieve and take care of one another. Because it’s so important to ‘get it done right’ I’ve compiled some resources for you. The first is “Talk of a Lifetime”. It’s the funeral profession’s response to our reluctance to make our end-of-life arrangements ahead of time.

When it’s time to select the best funeral home for your needs, there are things you can do to investigate their professional reputation. Every state oversees funeral home operations and can provide you with current information on consumer complaints or code violations. In California, it’s the Cemetery and Funeral Bureau; your state has a similar agency.

Social media review sites like Yelp! and Angie’s List are also useful when doing your due diligence. Your friends and neighbors are also a great source of recommendations.

Advance Funeral Planning Makes Sense

That’s what funeral directors want you to realize. Americans have a reputation for being practical, no nonsense, take-care-of-business people; but we seem to forget that when it comes time to think about our own death. Yet, such forethought is a part of our heritage too.

“Founding Father” Benjamin Franklin thought about his death long before it actually happened, at least enough to create a mock epitaph (when he was 28):

The Body of
B. Franklin, Printer;
Like the Cover of an old Book,
Its Contents torn out,
And stript of its Lettering and Gilding,
Lies here, Food for Worms.
But the Work shall not be wholly lost:
For it will, as he believ’d, appear once more,
In a new & more perfect Edition,
Corrected and amended
By the Author

Here at the end of this short talk about advance funeral planning, I’d like to just echo the well-known tagline, “Just do it!”. Believe me when I say (and I know from personal experience) you’ll feel really, really good when you can say “I’m truly ready for what’s ahead.”

How to Plan a Funeral , The First Steps

how to plan funeralIf you’ve gone searching online, you’ll already know there’s a whole lot of information about funeral planning floating around the Internet. So what makes this post on the subject any different? Because I’m going to ask you to shift your perspective: think of planning a funeral as being very similar to planning a wedding (except for one major difference: a shorter timeline).

I can see you, shaking your head in disbelief. How can I possibly think the two activities are similar? First is the fact that each event is a rite of passage marking a shift in social status for everyone in the room: surviving family members, friends and,  most notably, the deceased).  Second is the realization that what makes a wedding special are the same kinds of things that make a funeral special (the location, the décor, music heard, the words spoken, the new memories forged and the old memories shared).  Can you see the similarities now?

The First Step in Planning a Funeral

It’s the same as with a wedding: you want to set your budget.

What can you expect to pay for a funeral in 2018? According to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the average “cost of a funeral with viewing and burial” two years ago, in 2016, was just over $7,000. If a vault is included, something that is typically required by a cemetery, the median cost is $8,508. The cost does not take into account cemetery, monument or marker costs or miscellaneous cash-advance charges, such as for flowers or an obituary.” (Source) If you think that’s high, compare it to the median cost of a wedding in the U.S. which, in 2016, is $35,329. (Source).

The Second Step in Funeral Planning

Start a list of all those people you’d like to attend. This is also the point when selecting the pallbearers takes place (if they are required).

Make the decision about how guests will be invited. Will it be by phone, email, snail mail, or social media (like Facebook)?

As I said earlier, what makes both a wedding and a funeral memorable and meaningful are the location, the décor, the music…all those “little things” that add up to ‘something special’. Let’s look at each in turn.

The Location

When it comes to selecting the location for your loved one’s funeral, chances are good it will be held in the funeral home (or church) of your choice; but it doesn’t have to be. If you are thinking of an alternative location–such as your home–you’ll want to bring that up to the funeral director in charge of your loved one’s care as quickly as possible. (Does a ‘home funeral’ sound appropriate? Learn more about home funerals by visiting the Home Funeral Alliance website.)

I would like to make a suggestion here: if any of the anticipated guests are physically disabled, make sure the location is suitable for their needs. There are dozens of horror stories I could share about poorly chosen venues.

Flowers and Music

It’s my opinion flowers are an essential part of any funeral; not just because they’re beautiful, but because “flowers can have a profound positive effects on our emotions”, thereby actually easing the suffering of mourners. (Read more here: “New Research Shows Flowers Help Emotional Well-Being“).

I know funeral flowers can be expensive. If your budget doesn’t allow for the purchase of floral arrangements, think about asking guests to bring a bouquet to the service. You can provide the vases for display, or ask guests to bring one (preferably one that doesn’t have to be returned).

I don’t know about you, but music is a very big part of my life. If I were asked what songs should be played at my funeral, the list would be a long one. If that’s also true for your deceased love one, selecting the ‘right’ music could be time consuming. (Here’s a good time to involve others in the funeral planning process). If you have absolutely no idea what music to play at your loved one’s funeral, tell your funeral director. He or she will, no doubt, have lots of good suggestions.) Here’s another suggestion: check out our post, “10 of the Most Popular Modern Funeral Songs”.

Choose an Officiant

Who would you like to be the “master (or mistress) of ceremony”? It could be your clergyperson, the funeral director, a family member, friend…or certified celebrant. (If you’re unaware of celebrants and what they can do to make a funeral both memorable and meaningful, check out the Celebrant Institute and Foundation website.)

Create the Order of Service

With the help of your selected officiant, you’ll develop the ‘timeline’ of the service: what will happen first, second, third…you know. If you plan on what is called a “traditional” funeral, the order of service could look like this:

  • Musical Selection
  • Introduction / Words of Welcome
  • Prayers
  • Scripture Readings
  • Musical Selections/Hymns
  • Formal Reading of Obituary
  • Eulogy/Life Tribute
  • Brief Informal Tributes
  • Thank you and Acknowledgements
  • Viewing of Deceased
  • Closing Benediction

You may want your loved one’s funeral to be less traditional and less focused on religion. If that’s the case, the order of service could be:

  • Welcome Message
  • Opening Music
  • Readings
  • Additional Musical Selections or Formal Readings
  • Eulogy/Life Tribute
  • Brief Informal Tributes
  • Moments of Silence or Meditation
  • Thank yous and Appreciations
  • Exit/closing music

Design a Memorial Folder

Think back to the wedding scenario. Many times a memento is given to each guest – you know, the Jordan almonds? In funeral planning, it’s the memorial folder or program. It usually features a picture or pictures of the deceased, a special poem or prayer, and the order of service, as described above. (There are many online vendors for memorial folders, companies like Elegant Memorials.)

This may sound like a lot of work – but you don’t have to do it all by yourself. Chances are, there are family members and friends who are just waiting for you to ask them for help. Let them; their involvement could prove to be very valuable! And don’t forget, one of your best allies in funeral planning is your funeral director of choice. He or she will support you in making informed, rational decisions in planning a loved one’s funeral.