mental health

How to Cope with Grief and Loss

April 11, 2019 Kim Stacey

In less than two months, I’ll turn 65; a sobering fact. As I look back over my life from this vantage point, I can clearly see how loss, and the grief it provoked, has shaped many of the choices I made. Loss came in all forms: the loss of innocence due to childhood sexual abuse, the end of a career, ill health, divorce, the end of friendships and, of course, death. Chances are good, if you’re a Boomer too, you’ve also experienced a significant amount of loss in your life. And, if you’re like me; some losses were easier to deal with than others. Have you ever thought about what’s involved in coping with grief and loss well?

The Psychology of Grief

Psychologists and doctors have been studying grief for a long time now; beginning with Sigmund Freud in 1917. That means, for just over 100 years, many professionals have proposed models denoting stages, processes and tasks of mourning. All of them together – no matter the labels given – put a different ‘spin’ on the experience of successful, productive grieving.

4 Ways to Successfully Deal with Grief and Loss

Perhaps successful isn’t the right word; grieving a loved one, whether it’s a friend, spouse or pet, isn’t a finite process; it becomes woven into the intricate fabric of your life. Instead, let’s use ‘fruitful.’ Healthy grieving–actively working toward (or through) the following four aspects of mourning can create positive changes in your overall well-being:

Acceptance of the Loss

When tragedy strikes, people often experience disbelief. And if the old adage, “seeing is believing” is true, it’s easy to see viewing the deceased can help one to accept the truth. Sharing the news with others –allowing them to witness and share in your sorrow– is another way to validate the truth of things.

2. Allow Yourself to Experience Physical and Emotional Pain

Don’t push it away; don’t ignore it; don’t self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. Get assistance in assessing and addressing physical pain from your doctor. See a grief counselor, attend a grief support group, or talk to your pastor for additional support. Grieving is always best done in community.

Re-Create Your Life’s Meaning

Counselors call this activity “meaning making,” described by Thomas Attig as a self-conscious, deliberate initiative, to bring new meanings into existence as we grieve, to as to strengthen the connection to the deceased while embarking on your own life.

Re-discover Your Enthusiasm for Life

Grief turns life grey and colorless. Our enthusiasm wanes after the death of a loved one (or another such devastating loss), and it’s so very hard to carry on with the day-to-day chores (moreover rebuild your life). Over time, through the pursuit of fruitful, purposeful grieving, the world can once again become a welcoming, exciting place to be. One more thing before I go…

Urn Garden’s Articles and Resources on Grief

I’m of the strong opinion that unresolved grief is a major factor in much of the misery I see around me. After all, most of us were never taught how to properly handle grief and loss. Here are two examples from my life; maybe they’ll be familiar to you. The only time I ever saw my dad cry was when his brother died in the early 1960s. One afternoon of tears, and then neither the brother nor his death were ever discussed again. When my mother’s mom died in 1966, she stayed in her bedroom for weeks, crying. Once she left that sanctuary, grandma’s name was rarely spoken.

The underlying message from society is to “get on with your life.” Surely, that’s very constructive advice in some situations; but only if the timing of the message is right. A mourner still in the early days of grief, when ‘acceptance’ is the task won’t be able to hear the value in the suggestion; it will only feel cruel to the listener. When you feel unsupported, turn to people who truly understand; preferably people who’ve grieved a loss and know (to some degree) what you’re experiencing. Read what others have to say about coping with grief and loss. To facilitate this exploration, here’s a list of other grief-related posts here at Life in the Garden:

Easing a Broken Heart: Pet Loss Grief
Children’s Grief, Books and Resources
Audiobooks on Grief and Loss
Anticipatory Grief: One Woman’s Story
How to Get through Grief and the Holidays
Self-Care for Caregivers: The Art of Living with Dying

As I close this post, I’ve got to say just one more thing about coping with grief and loss. Because it’s such an all-pervasive human experience, it’s important to make friends with it. While you may not welcome grief into your life, it’s nice to be on familiar terms with its dynamics.

The Benefits of Laughter & Why It’s Good for Your Soul

April 5, 2019 Kim Stacey

Just a few days ago, it was April fool’s Day – one of my least favorite holidays (I don’t like being pranked; I think it’s rather rude). But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of humor. In truth, I love a good laugh. Not only does it feel good, laughter also provides a myriad of different health benefits, including those that are physical, emotional, and spiritual. That’s why it’s vitally important that we recognize the healing power that laughter can have on us.

Since we happen to be in the death and dying business, some days can be a little grim, so we are always looking for a laugh here and there to lighten the mood.

Reasons Why Laughing is Good for You

Thanks to on-going scientific research, there’s a growing list of the health benefits of laughter.

Laughter can lower blood pressure. As you probably know, this condition is a big problem for thousands of Americans. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention declare high blood pressure (hypertension) killed over 360,000 Americans in 2013 (that’s close to 1,000 deaths per day).
Laughter relieves feelings of stress, anxiety and other negative emotions. Sadness, anger, and resentment all negatively impact our health –but laughter can help reduce the impact of those feelings. Some researchers have taken that further; calling laughter “a natural anti-depressant ” that can positively contribute to our mental health.
Boosts our immune systems. It does so by increasing the number of T-cells and other infection-fighting antibodies.
Clears your airways and helps you to breathe better. If you’ve ever had a good ‘belly-laugh’ you already know this is true.
Laughter gets your heart rate up. This sends nourishment and oxygen to all the cells of your body. It’s a true, whole-body “pick-me-up.”
Laughter fosters healthy relationships. When shared with others, laughter builds good will and intimacy among friends and strangers alike.
Laughter releases endorphins into our brains. This well-recognized hormone is what allows the marathon runner to finish the race; fighting fatigue and reducing pain.
It gives you a great abdominal workout. I’m sure you’ve experienced the stomach muscle pain after a long-deep belly-laugh. It’s like doing 40 or 50 sit-ups – and a lot more fun!
It helps burn calories. Laughing can a full-body activity, so it naturally burns calories to fuel this ‘work.’
Laughter has been used to help relieve migraine headaches. Back in 2013, Diana Lee wrote, in “Using Humor to
Cope with Migraine,” “Whether I’m in pain, experiencing severe nausea, angry about my situation or about missing out on something, scared, annoyed with myself or someone else, feeling sorry for myself or trying to cope with any of a million other things we all deal with, laughing helps.”
It produces a sense of well-being. I’ll tell you this: all I have to do is remember the dialog of the Spanish Inquisition sketch (Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Series 2, Episode 2) and I feel good for hours. Test it for yourself, with your own ‘favorite comedic moment”. I’m confident your spirits will rise, and remain at this higher level for a span of time.

What About the Benefits of Crying?

Laughing is the emotional counterpoint to crying, and both are natural, healthy responses to particular situations. We don’t have to think about which reaction would be best; our intuition naturally leads us in the right direction. “Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left,’ wrote Veronica Roth, “and laughing feels better right now.”

Crying can also help make you feel better, depending on the circumstance. Below, you’ll find a few reasons why crying can be good for you, both physically and mentally.

Crying calms and reduces distress.
It signals the need for support from others
It helps to relieve pain through the release of endorphins and oxytocin, two natural pain and stress fighters.
It can help you sleep better.
Research is finding tears contain stress hormones and other ‘toxic’ chemicals which means a good cry can help relieve stress you might be feeling in a given moment.
Tears are also anti-bacterial and help to keep the eyes clean.
In other words, having a good cry, as odd as it sounds, can ease physical pains and lift your spirits and improve your mental health.

Bring More Laughter into Your Life…and the Lives of Others

Charles Dickens wrote, in his brilliant story of personal transformation, A Christmas Carol, “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” You and I know he’s right; how many times have you been in a room of people who all find themselves caught up in the progressive sharing of a point of humor? The sounds of laughter sweep through the group, until everyone is enjoying the moment immensely – and reaping the emotional, physical, and psychological benefits.

Knowing how contagious it can be, step out into your world today with the intention of helping others experience the benefits for themselves. It will bring a smile to your face, and put a bounce in your step. “

Hey, did you hear the one about the…”

Sources:
www.gaiam.com
www.goodreads.com
mentalfloss.com
www.medicalnewstoday.com
www.medicinenet.co/
www.cdc.gov

Preventing Caregiver Burnout: 6 Self-Care Tips for Caregivers

March 17, 2019 Kim Stacey

Without a doubt, human beings become aware of the concept of ‘death’ fairly early in childhood – unless adult family members choose to shield them from what they feel is a harsh reality. Still, kids are curious, and usually find dead things fascinating. They may be ill-equipped to understand death’s implications, but they learn what it looks like while still fairly young. It could be a dead bird lying in the front yard, killed when hitting a window; or the body of a neighbor’s dog or cat, killed when attempting to cross the street.

Knowing about the existence of death, we continue through our day-to-day lives. We may not be comfortable with death, but we get pretty darned good at ignoring its constant presence. Then, one earthshaking day, you’re forced to look directly at it. Often, it’s due to a terminal medical diagnosis of a loved one. Nothing is ever the same after that moment; and death becomes a silent companion during the long days and nights of caregiving. And its presence can affect you in unexpected ways, often leading to something called “Caregiver Burnout”. Let’s talk about that; and how you can develop self-care practices to help get you through the stress and fatigue that often accompanies caregiving.

As in anything labeled a “practice,” such as meditation or yoga, you must be consistent in your self-care practices. In an ideal world, it would be a daily routine; unfortunately, caregiving can become far from routine or predictable. It’s at this time, of course, your well-being truly depends on such a self-care practice most. With that said…let’s move on.

Self-Care Advice for Caregivers

What Does “Self-Care” Really Mean?

What is self-care? Often the phrase is misunderstood; taken to mean self-indulgence (spa days, that sort of thing). If asked, Google will tell you self-care is a habit “of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health and protect one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” While a spa day may be one of the actions taken, self-care for caregivers is more about protecting one’s well-being by taking the following actions and becoming a student again. Learn everything you can about your loved one’s condition. Ask the physicians involved what changes to expect in the months ahead. This is a time when ‘the more you know, the better off you are.’

Also, take some time to examine your feelings about death and dying. Our culture doesn’t put much attention on either; and now that you’re caregiver for someone who is very ill, death can loom in the not-too-distant future. To some degree, get comfortable with it.

6 Self-Care Tips for Caregivers

Below you’ll find several tips to help prevent things like fatigue, stress and “Caregiver Burnout”.

Use all the resources available to you. That includes family, friends, neighbors; your church congregation, and local agencies. This is a critical feature of a self-care practice for caregivers; don’t ‘go it alone.’ Check with the National Caregivers Alliance , the American Society on Aging, and Rosalyn Carter’s Institute for Caregiving for insight into what’s available. Contact your local agency on aging; and don’t forget to bring in your local hospice organization when it’s appropriate.
See your doctor regularly. I’ll be the first to tell you; it doesn’t take long to be weary of doctor visits. As a caregiver it’s all too easy to ignore your health – who wants another doctor’s appointment on an already overcrowded calendar? Do it anyway. And don’t forget to eat the right foods, curb your intake of alcohol, and (while you’re at it) develop an exercise routine.
Carve out quiet time. Whenever you can, relax in your favorite way. I listen to audiobooks and garden when the weather’s nice enough. Remember what it is that nourishes your spirit and regularly make time to do it.
Spend time with friends. This may sound like the previous action step (‘relax’). But it’s not. Friends bring something special to our lives. “A friend is what the heart needs all the time,” said American poet, Henry Van Dyke; and certainly he’s right. Now; I present the sixth and final aspect of a self-care practice for caregivers –and I saved the best for last.
Learn to forgive yourself. When I say this is the ‘best’ of the six action steps, I mean it’s the most far-reaching. It’s also the hardest step of the six; in truth, learning to forgive yourself can take a lifetime. It’s so worth the effort – and there are hundreds of online articles to guide you. It also may help you to join a support group or to see a counselor. Seeing yourself mirrored in the eyes of others who truly understand what you’re going through can teach you some valuable lessons about who you really are. (We’re pretty hard on ourselves, you know.)
Cry. Because some folks don’t like to cry – or should I say they don’t feel the need to cry very often; it’s hard to recommend they incorporate regular crying sessions into their self-care routine. But I’ll tell you, it’s a true tension reliever!

Why is Self-Care is Important for Caregivers?

I learned this lesson the hard way. As the old song says, I can see clearly now; but at the time I was blind to what was happening to me over the two and a half years of his illness. By the time he died, I was a physical and emotional wreck. And it took a good year and a half to get myself back on track. (Read: “Anticipatory Grief: One Woman’s Story” for more.)

In the back of my mind I hear my mom, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” My heart-felt advice to you is to follow her admonition – don’t neglect your well-being; without it, you can’t do the task you’ve taken on (at least not very well).

Acknowledging a Death Anniversary: A Few Ideas

March 11, 2019 Kim Stacey

I’ve been thinking and writing about death anniversaries for years. Most recently it was “Twelve Ways to Celebrate a Loved One’s Death Anniversary.” This time around, I’d like to explore questions related to the realization the need to acknowledge the date of a loved one’s death naturally fades over time. Sadly, when we fail to remember ‘the big day’ a few years down life’s road, we’re saddened and feel a measure of guilt on top of the sorrow.

Here’s what I think happens: as time passes we successfully integrate our memories of the deceased into our daily lives. No longer do they bring us to tears; instead, they’re a cause for reflection and may even bring a smile.

If you’ve already read: “Anticipatory Grief: One Woman’s Story”, published last year, you’ll know much of the backstory here. Long story short, my ex-husband Matt died on June 16th, 2015. When my grief was fresh, I acknowledged every anniversary, it seemed. The first day, the first week, the first month’s anniversary, and every one after that – culminating in a family ash-scattering event on the first year anniversary. That’s a fairly common reaction to recent loss – early on, your grief takes up a great deal of your time each day.

The second anniversary of his passing brought only phone calls to other family members to share a few memories of the man we knew and loved. No gathering, no ritual. And, you ask, what about the third year?

While I remembered the anniversary weeks ahead of time and acknowledged its imminent arrival; I’ve got to be honest and tell you June 16, 2018 came and went without comment. And yes, I felt certain guilt about it – but I also realized the omission meant I was healing from the trauma of his death – as were our sons. Huzzah!

Please understand; this doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten Matt. In truth, we’ve turned our focus from the sadness and misery of his untimely passing. Now, it’s our good memories that dominate; and the recollections of the horrors of his last months on Earth have faded into the background of our lives.

Let’s Talk about the “Why” of Acknowledging Death Anniversaries

It’s simple, really: in our society, it’s common to mark significant days in our lives. Certainly, the death of someone dear to us fits the description of ‘significant’ – as much so as a birth, graduation, marriage or divorce. Combine that propensity with the human penchant for staging rituals to mark such events – and you’ve got the foundation of the practice of celebrating death anniversaries. The events we plan bring us closer, if only for a while, both to the deceased and to our own grief. It’s an opportunity to collectively grieve – and continue to process of integrating the loss into our lives. When we no longer need such support, it’s natural for us to let go of the ritual. In other words; the “how” of acknowledging the death anniversary changes; over time, it may become little more than a passing thought. It doesn’t have to be, though.

Some Low-Key Ideas to Celebrate a Death Anniversary

It’s interesting to note those living in the U.K. don’t celebrate the date of a loved one’s death; it’s just not in their cultural spectrum of grief-related activities (source). As human beings living in society, we are truly culture-bound. Still, here in the U.S., there’s a lot of focus (online anyway) about such celebratory events. If you, like me (and my sons), feel the intensity of the need to acknowledge the death anniversary of a loved one diminishing; you don’t have to give the practice up altogether. Just “change it up” a bit. Here are a few ideas:

Invite family and/or friends over to share a meal, made up of at least some of the deceased’s favorite foods. Ask guests to bring any photos, along with the stories to go with them.

I don’t know if a float trip is considered low key, but one of our friends plans a memorial float trip in memory of her brother. They’ve been doing it for years now and now as the family grows, his spirit lives on.

Attend a sporting or cultural event; one which would set your loved one’s heart ablaze.
Light a candle in their memory.
Listen to their favorite music or watch on of your loved one’s favorite films.
Compile photos into an album. It’s easier, of course, if they’re digital photos – you can use an online service to compile and print the finished tribute.
Bring family and friends together to create a memorial garden. (If the idea appeals, check out DIY Memorials: Planning a Loved One’s Memorial Garden.”)
Donate to–or better yet, volunteer with – a cause close to your loved one’s heart.

There Will Come a Time When…

As you naturally move through grief, you’ll find your focus not on your loved one’s death, but on their life. When that happens, it makes sense to shift your attention instead on your loved one’s birthday. This positive focus can bring you and your loved one’s other survivors a great deal of happiness; a delightful (and necessary) change from the sorrow integral in death anniversary celebrations.

Urns & Jewelry for February Birthday: Birthstones & Pisces Astrology Signs

February 23, 2019 Kim Stacey

This week we’re looking at the second of the astrology signs Pisces. Often represented as two fish, swimming in opposite directions, Pisces is (rather obviously) a water sign. According to reputable sources (see below); the opposing directions of the fish “represent the duality within the nature of the sign itself. People born under the sign (February 19th to March 20th) are ruled by the planet Neptune.

The Pisces Personality

I’ve only intimately known one Pisces in my life: my mother, Rosemary. Sadly, she was an alcoholic, so I was prone to seeing that quality as a trait of the astrological sign itself. Of course, I was wrong : it was her frustrated efforts to become a published writer (and a lousy relationship with life itself) that made her drink ‘like a fish.’

It is said Pisceans are empathetic and full of “expressed emotional capacity.” That’s where the creativity comes in, I believe. Let me tell you, mother could really write: her single-spaced typewritten letters to family from the years she lived in Iran (1966-1979) were phenomenal. (I say “were” because they no longer exist. How I wish they did!) Publishing was a different business then – much harder to break into – and her short stories never made the cut with those she contacted. I know she died a very frustrated, unfulfilled woman. People born under the Pisces sign have an intuitive understanding of the life cycle and thus achieve the best emotional relationship with other beings.

What about the Negative Characteristics?

Some of the negative traits of Pisceans include fearfulness; the tendency to be overly trusting; sadness bordering on depression, and a deep desire to escape reality. Those traits describe Rosemary perfectly. However, some of the other traits ascribed to people born under Pisces don’t fit my mother at all. But I think those variances had to do with being alive during the 20th century (a century rampant with ware and intolerance). Mother wasn’t, as most Pisceans are said to be; “generous, compassionate extremely faithful and caring.” But, no that I’m older, I understand why, and work to forgive and forget.

Now…Let’s Look at Some Fulfilled Piscean Women

Sources tell me of all the astrological signs, people born under Pisces are inclined to be artistic and have a deep connection to music. That certainly describes our featured Pisceans this month; chosen in honor of Black History Month, Consider these remarkable African-American women:

• Alice Walker: Pulitzer Prize-winning author, who is best known for her novel, The Color Purple.

• Leontyne Price: Award-winning operatic soprano. known for the title role of Verdi’s Aida

• Toni Morrison: Winning both the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes, she is best known for The Bluest Eye, Song of Solomon and Beloved.

• Nina Simone: Considered an iconic jazz singer, songwriter, pianist, and musical arranger; Nina is also a civil rights activist.

• Marian Anderson: She is the first African-American to perform with the New York Metropolitan Opera in 1955.

I could add so many more African-American women to this list, including Rosa Parks, who changed our world by her actions on December 1st, 1955. (Perhaps it was her astrological gifts of empathy and compassion in action.)

What’s the Birthstone for February?

It’s the Amethyst, a gorgeous Quartz gemstone. It’s said to be extremely durable and scratch-resistant. Could be that’s one of the reasons for its “rich history of astonishing civilizations with its stunning, saturated beauty.”

From the Neolithic people living in Europe around 25,000 B.C. to the Greeks, Romans, who valued the stone highly. Bishops of the Christian church wore amethyst jewelry, for “its color was meant to symbolize royalty and an allegiance to Christ. Members of the Catholic clergy wore amethyst stone in their crosses because their amethyst meaning was one of piety and celibacy.” (Source: Energy Muse)

Did You Miss January’s Astrological Post?

If so, you’re in luck: here’s the link to “Astrology Signs and Birthstones: January”. There’s another, perhaps more important post I don’t want you to miss – last week’s “How to Avoid Funeral Mistakes When Planning a Funeral.”

Next week, we’re going to look at some beautifully designed cremation urns we feel are appropriate for the Pisceans we’ve loved, and lost. Until then, have a fine remainder to the week!

Sources:
Wikipeidia.org/wiki/Pisces_(astrology)
Wikipedia.org/wiki/Amethyst
Astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/pisces/
Energymuse.com/ameth-meaning
Blackintime.info/black-birthday-monthly.html