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funeral planning

How to Avoid Mistakes When Planning a Funeral Service

February 18, 2019 Kim Stacey

Before you roll your eyes, stop and think about what I’m saying: making funeral arrangements is a lot like hosting a social gathering (I hate to call it a party, but I will) and you have to do it when you’re feeling your worst. It’s almost inevitable some mistakes are going to be made, both in funeral planning and the follow-through.

Unlike the aforementioned concept of a ‘party ’, the event you’re planning isn’t one where people mill about without direction, talking about themselves. It’s a gathering which includes a choreographed performance – one where it’s intended members of the audience are encouraged to participate. The whole effort is complicated by many factors, not the least of which is the heavy grief felt by everyone involved, which can easily lead to mistakes.

Okay, maybe mistakes aren’t at all humorous at the time, but enough of them are to ensure YouTube has a vast collection of ‘funny funeral mistakes.’ Take “When Singing at a Funeral Goes Wrong” for example. But, most only mar what was to be a memorable occasion. Then, there’s the fact you can never get a “do-over.’ Your loved one’s funeral will happen only once. That realization can put pressure on you – but if you’ve ‘’bought time’ by requesting additional cold storage time (if the arrangements include whole-body burial) or by selecting cremation as your loved one’s disposition option.


There are dozens of other online articles about funeral mistakes. So man you’d think this one redundant and unimportant. I’m hoping not; it’s my intention to be a fresh, more holistic look at the issue. Here we go with our guide for avoiding funeral mistakes:

Funeral Planning Tips to Help You Avoid Mistakes

Here’s the truth of it: when you choose to live in community it’s like you’ve entered into a ‘social contract’ with those in your closest circles. You agree, in effect, to come together when social expectation (and maybe personal desire) demands it. We’re required to collectively celebrate: births and birthdays, graduations, marriages, anniversaries, business promotions, award presentations, retirement parties and, funerals. Unless you live in a remote cabin in the woods, that’s what you’ve agreed to do, in exchange for the numerous benefits of living in community.

Don’t Make it About You

You’re not there to shine more brightly than others; you’re there to support and comfort the bereaved family. Remember, funeral or memorial service attendance is a selfless, altruistic action, which requires that you forget your (to a large degree, anyway) own needs and focus on those of others. In short, you’re there for the benefit of other: to honor the deceased and care for the emotional well-being of his or her survivors.

Dress appropriately to your role.

That means different things for everyone in the room; if you’re a close family member, you’ll dress in a way as to demarcate yourself from the guests. If you’re a guest, ‘dressing appropriately’ can mean different things depending on the funeral situation.

Here in Santa Cruz County, it’s not unusual for guests to wear bright, summer-related shirts and dresses. Planning a memorial service? Don’t ask too much of your guests: if the temperature is below freezing, don’t ask them to wear beach attire. If you’re unclear about the correct attire, ask the funeral director or a family member. Ladies, no high-heeled shoes, as they increase the chances of falling (especially if there’s a graveside service involved.) what is it they say? “Wear sensible shoes.” I’d add to that “wear comfortable clothes.”

Contribute mindfully.

To say it another way, ‘think before you speak.” All too many times, funeral memories are marred by inappropriate, ill-times statements, made out of nervousness or a selfish desire to contribute. I can’t tell you how many stories I have about inappropriate speech.’ Remember, sometimes creating a deep connection with the bereaved via eye- or body-contact is far more powerful than words – especially if they’re ill-conceived.

Don’t be intrusive.

Other stories involve funeral attendees who think it’s okay to interrupt or intrusively present their opinions or memories of the deceased. Remember what your mother told you: “Don’t interrupt!” No matter how kind your words are it’s important to deliver them in a polite, respectful manner. (If you’re planning a funeral or memorial service ‘put the call out’ for speakers. Limit participation time, and organize contributors according to their relationship to the deceased. Consider the whole of the funeral experience, placing speakers into the order of service where appropriate.)

Don’t Give in to Feeling Rushed.

Ed Michael Reggie, author of “The 4 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Planning a Funeral” noted another all-too-common (yet easily avoided) funeral mistake: feeling rushed and panicky” about making funeral arrangements. Even if the death is unexpected and no pre-plans are available, it’s possible to ‘buy time’ by requesting extended refrigerated storage from the funeral home in question. If the deceased was cremated, you have “all the time in the world” to plan the memorial service. Either way, there’s no need to do a poor job in funeral planning because you feel pressed for time.

Don’t try to do it all alone. If you’re responsible for planning a funeral or memorial service, call for assistance. No one can think of everything, much less get it all done in the required time. I would recommend putting everything in the hands of your funeral professional. It could be a traditional funeral director or, if you think a home funeral is appropriate, then you’ll turn to your home funeral guide for help. (Of course, funeral home staff can make mistakes too; you’ll find dozens of online articles on that subject. One of the best is Caleb Wilde’s “Some of the Mistakes I’ve Made as a Funeral Director.”

Let’s Face It: Making Mistakes is Part of Being Human
Funeral mistakes happen, there’s no doubt about that. When one occurs–whether you’re the hosting family or a guest– it’s important to remember Alexander Pope’s oft-quotes words: “To err is human, to forgive, divine.“

Still, with that palliative said, consider these tips to help you avoid the most common funeral mistakes.

Looking for more information surrounding funeral planning? We’ve covered funeral planning issues before, in two posts. The first, “No Funeral, No Flowers: What I Learned Planning a Memorial Service ”is both personal and instructive. The second, “Planning an A-List Funeral. Goodbye Brooke Astor,” is also worth your time (if only to answer the question, “Who is Brooke Astor?”)!

Filed Under: funeral service, Memorial Service Ideas, mental health Tagged With: funeral etiquette, funeral mistakes, funeral planning

No Funeral, No Flowers: What I Learned Planning a Memorial Service

August 24, 2018 urngarden.com

We recently had a death in the family. Our family matriarch. Grandmother. She lived a long, rich life and had made a list of specific wishes before she died.

  • Cremation was preferred over burial.
  • No funeral.
  • No flowers.
  • Have a party at the boat house at the lake.
  • She had two songs that she wanted sung at the service.

The Healing Power of Flowers at the Funeral

We carried out her wishes, but had to bend the rules on funeral flowers. Flowers are so healing and we knew that a wreath would help soften the appearance of the metal urn we displayed at the memorial service.  The florist we used is practically across the street from the crematory, so we arranged to have them deliver not only the flowers, but the urn, the printed memorial package, and death certificates to the venue.

Grandmother was known as Grandma Birdy, as she loved all things feathered. Our collection of bird themed urns are inspired by her. We chose a white and gold hummingbird urn for her. Crafted from cloisonne, this sturdy metal urn has a delicate design, but is suitable for burial, which we did a couple of days after the celebration ceremony.

The wreath was created with white roses and lilies with a few lady bugs added for good luck. The burial followed a couple of days after the service, and with the advice from the florist, we lightly misted the arrangement and kept it cool, which kept the flowers fresh in the August heat, and we were able to transport to the cemetery and place it on the grave.

hummingbird urn wreath

Choosing cremation did allow for a little more flexibility. We held the service a couple of weeks after she passed to allow friends and family from out of town to make travel arrangements. The ceremony was held on a Saturday and burial occurred on the following Monday. The venue had table seating for 80, full kitchen, large flat screen monitor, and overlooked the lake. We arranged for audio for our vocalist and catered mini sandwiches, chips, cookies, and drinks from Hy-Vee.

We tried to keep the theme in check with her colorful personality. We used bright and cheerful table covers and decorated with bird statuary and trinkets that grandmother had collected and then we invited the guests to take one as a keepsake or remembrance.

Not knowing what to expect in the way of guests, we were touched when we realized we probably had 100 in attendance.

Let the Funeral Director Help You

The funeral home was gracious during the arrangement process and never pressured us. They actually saved us several hundred dollars when we discovered that the cemetery required a concrete vault for the burial of the urn. We were able to order it from the funeral home at considerable savings and they offered to deliver it to the cemetery.

We bought a memorial package from them that included a guest register book, 100 personalized funeral programs that fit our theme, 25 laminated obituaries, and thank you cards. The cost for this package was over $200 and after the service we realized that we had many programs left over.

The funeral director also arranged for the vocalist from a list of recommended contacts that they worked with on a regular basis. Even with a two week notice, scheduling conflicts created challenges in securing someone to sing. We did finally have success and she did a beautiful job.

The funeral director also educated us as to what the appropriate fees were to pay both the vocalist and the minister and we appointed a family member to take care of payment at the service.

The two weeks leading up to the event were a little stressful and we were starting to wish grandmother had ordered a traditional funeral, but in the end it was a beautiful day with a couple of touching eulogies, letters read from far away family and friends, and memories shared with loved ones who took the time to come celebrate the life of one of our greatest generation.

Filed Under: Confessions, cremation, funeral service Tagged With: funeral flower arrangements for urn, funeral planning, hummingbird urn for ashes, planning a celebration of life ceremony

Ashes in the Ink

July 6, 2009 urngarden.com

Back in the day, cutting edge technology allowed our families to pose with the dear departed and record the moment for posterity.

memento mori

That idea faded and seems creepy now, but what about the background noise I heard this weekend? Snippets of  reality tv with the Jackson Family Show trying to coordinate a very public gold- plated memorial service.

Or the bit of a tattoo road show, featuring a gentleman who mixed a trace of his loved one’s ashes into the ink and had a portrait style memorial tattoo on his chest.

At the quieter end of the spectrum, one of our clients does design work in a memorial garden at a hospital in upstate New York, had this good word to say about our personalized river rock garden stone.

river rock memorial stone

“Both the stone itself and the workmanship — is lovely and has become the new standard in our Memorial Gardens.”

 

Filed Under: Advertising, art, ash scattering, Confessions, cremation, funeral service, mental health, obituaries, Tattoos Tagged With: creamation, diy memorial, funeral planning, memento mori, memorial stones

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