Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

cremation

Death with Dignity

In the 17 years that we’ve operated Urn Garden, we’ve heard lots of stories about pet parents making the difficult decision to put a beloved animal to sleep. Today, was a turning point in our history, as we had the human version to that story.

This particular customer had ordered a custom bronze shell urn, and since these beautiful vessels are poured to order, they can take several weeks to produce.

shell cremation urn for ashes

While following up with this client regarding the status of her order, she mentioned that she needed it by a certain date, as she was being “put to sleep”. “Oh, you’re having surgery?” I asked. “No” she said. “I’m going to sleep forever. I’m terminal”

This took me a little aback, as I’ve never had a conversation like this. I mean, what do you say to that? “Are you serious?” I asked. Maybe not the most appropriate response, but she was so calm and cheerful that I really wasn’t sure if she was being real.

Turns out, she was a former teacher and she was willing to educate me. My first thought was that she was in Oregon, but after a quick glance at her order, I said “Oh, you are in Colorado! I didn’t know that they had assisted suicide.”

“Well, we don’t call it that”, she said. “Colorado just passed Death with Dignity about three years ago.” She went on to say that she’d had a full life as a math and science teacher, had touched many lives, but in recent years, her quality of life had radically changed. Prior to her illness, she and her husband were active hikers and outdoorsy people. Now? She can’t move, hasn’t driven in years, can’t wear clothes, and is completely dependent on others for every need. “My quality of life, sucks,” she said.

She’d seen over 70 specialists at 13 different hospital clinics and she was done with all that.

Of course, I had some questions.

Do you have to go the hospital or can you die at home?

No, she said, she chose to die at home. The doctor will write her a prescription that she can get at the pharmacy and mix with 6 oz. of liquid that she’ll drink and then go to sleep. Forever.

How did she pick that date?

It just happened to be the date that the physician was available.

In her state, to participate in this program, you have to have two physicians agree on a terminal prognosis, two physicians that can determine that you are of sound mind, and a mountain of paperwork.

That pile of paperwork was also a deciding factor in the cause of death on the death certificate. The coroner wanted to list her passing as suicide, but the physician advocated for her and was able to persuade the corner to list the official diagnosis.

As we were talking, I looked at the calendar and that date loomed about four weeks out. “I’m not scared.” she said. And it sounded like she meant it.

Since then, we’ve had another conversation and she sounded bright. She mentioned that she’d been in a lot of pain the night before and was looking forward to THE DATE. She plans to look out her office windows at the mountains and watch the hummingbirds who are super active right now, have a little nibble of her favorite chocolate with Mozart playing in the background.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for her family, her husband, who is at home by her side. Maybe it’s like any other family situation when you are caring for a loved one, only instead of day to day, which she is, you can see the end.

Her friends and family all know she’s ill, but she’s decided not to share the fact that she has a scheduled appointment with death.

“Everybody is busy, and the kids couldn’t handle it, it’s too heavy.”

When the day comes, her husband will call and let everyone know that she died in her sleep.

Frequently Asked Questions about Death with Dignity

What is Death with Dignity?

Death with dignity usually refers to an end-of-life option where individuals legally obtain medications from their physician to end their life on their own terms in a dignified and humane manner. Also known as “physician-assisted death” or “physician-assisted dying”, the term death with dignity can also refer to specific state legislation that allows this end-of-life option, or to the group of organizations promoting the movement in the U.S.

How many states currently have death with dignity statutes?

As of August 2019 the following states have physician-assisted dying statutes:

  • California
  • Colorado
  • District of Columbia
  • Hawaii
  • New Jersey
  • Oregon
  • Vermont
  • Washington

Physician-assisted dying is also legal in Montana by way of a 2009 State Supreme Court Ruling

How can I find a physician to prescribe death with dignity medications?

You will need to ask a doctor in California, Colorado, District Of Columbia, Hawaii, Montana, Maine, New Jersey, Oregon, Vermont, Or Washington if they are willing to prescribe your life-ending medications. Doctor participation in death with dignity is strictly voluntary.

Who is eligible to participate in death with dignity?

In order to qualify for a prescription of life-ending medication under a physician-assisted dying statute, you must be:

  • an adult resident of  California, Colorado, District Of Columbia, Hawaii, Montana, Maine, New Jersey, Oregon, Vermont, or Washington – there is no length-of-residency requirement but you must be able to establish that you are a legal resident of that particular state
  • capable of communicating your healthcare decisions in a mentally competent manner
  • diagnosed with a terminal condition that will lead to death within six months
  • able to administer and ingest the prescribed medication on your own without assistance

Should I tell my family?

While everyone’s family situation is unique, talking to your family members about your intention to participate in death with dignity can help them come to terms with your decision. An open dialogue about the process can provide an understanding of your end-of-life options and why you are choosing physician-assisted death.

Find out more about death with dignity from the Death with Dignity National Center website.

The website Compassion and Choices recently published a story written by our client’s husband with details her health struggles and difficult choices.

Cremation & Religion: What Religions Believe in Cremation?

celtic cross cremation urn
Celtic Cross Cremation Urn

Cremation has replaced traditional burial as the number one choice for families in the US over the past few years. This has made cremation the “new normal” across the nation, and many funeral homes and cemeteries now offer a wide variety of services catering to cremation families.

The main drivers behind the growth of cremation include its lower price point, changing personal preferences, environmental considerations, and the increase in transient populations. Religious beliefs are also associated with the rise in cremation rates – some of the thinking behind this is that American’s are becoming less religious in general, but it also stands to reason that the increase is due to the fact that certain religions have become more accepting of cremation.

It is estimated that there are over 4,000 religions in the world, although Christianity has been (and still is) the most dominant faith. According to the Pew Research Center, approximately 65% of the US population describe themselves as Christians, while the percentage of people who are atheist, agnostic, or “nothing in particular” stands at 26%. As the number of religious vs. non-religious individuals continues to evolve, it’s likely that we’ll see a similar trend in cremation rates.

If you are in the process of making funeral plans in advance or considering cremation for a loved one, religious beliefs or affiliations may have an impact on your final decision. It helps to have a basic understanding of the different religious views on cremation. Here is a guide to some of these views:

The Catholic Church

Due to its size and scope, it’s important to ask, “what does the Catholic Church believe about cremation?” The Catholic Church did not allow cremation until 1963, when the Pope finally lifted the ban. Even though the Catholic Church still prefers traditional burial, they have slowly made subtle changes to the rules to allow for cremation. In 2016, the Vatican announced that cremated ashes should not be scattered or kept in cremation urns at home – the guidelines state that cremated remains should be kept in a “sacred place” (like a cemetery) as this is more in line with burial of Christ and belief in the resurrection of the body.

Protestant Christians

The majority of Protestant churches (Baptists, Methodists, Lutherans, etc.) accept cremation, even though they prefer traditional burial. Protestant churches do not have strict rules regarding cremation like Catholics do, and Protestants are free to choose to be cremated as they wish.

The Eastern Orthodox Church does not allow cremation as it is considered disrespectful to the human body. Cremation also conflicts with the Orthodox Church’s belief in the resurrection of the body so it can reunite with the soul at the Last Judgement.

Judaism

Judaism does not generally encourage cremation and Orthodox Jews in particular strictly forbid it. Jewish law states that deceased loved ones should be buried in the ground, although Reform Jews are more accepting of the practice and allow individuals to choose cremation if they wish. Most rabbis will allow Jews who have been cremated to receive a proper burial in a Jewish cemetery.

Islam

Cremation is strictly forbidden in Islam. Muslims make a point of burying their loved ones as soon as possible after death, and follow specific funeral rituals such as bathing the body and offering collective prayers. Islamic law considers burning of a body in cremation as an act of disrespect

Buddhism

Buddhism, along with its set of funeral traditions and death rituals, allows its followers to choose cremation if they wish. Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha), the religious leader whose teachings became the foundation of Buddhism, was cremated and his cremated remains were stored as relics and placed in sacred monuments. In today’s society, it is still customary for many Buddhists to follow the Buddha’s example and cremate their loved ones accordingly.

Hinduism

Hindus almost always, as a part of their death rites and rituals, choose cremation over burial, with the exception of infants and small children. Hinduism does not ascribe to the belief in the resurrection of the body or preservation of the corpse through burial. Instead, Hindus encourage cremation so that the soul can be quickly released from the body to start on a new spiritual journey (reincarnation).

If you have questions or concerns regarding cremation and your religion, talk to a religious leader or a local cremation provider to get more information.

What is Cremation: A Definition, Average Cost and Urn Types

Urn Garden is your go-to site for quality cremation urns, jewelry, and memorial stones. But before you even begin to shop for a cremation urn, it helps to have a clear understanding of what cremation is. Here is our simple guide to cremation – read on to learn about the cremation process, how much it costs, the various types of cremation urns, and how to scatter your loved one’s cremated ashes.

What is Cremation?
The Cremation Association of North America (CANA) defines cremation as a mechanical, thermal, or other dissolution process that reduces human remains to bone fragments. These bone fragments are further processed into cremated ashes. Cremation continues to be a popular choice in the US –  according to recent statistics, the national cremation rate is projected to be 63.5% in 2025 compared to a burial rate of 30.6%.

The most recognized type of cremation uses flame/heat. Flame-based cremation occurs in a specially designed machine called a cremation chamber (also known as a “retort”). In the primary chamber the temperature can go up to 2,000 °F, which facilitates the body combustion process and produces about 3 – 5 pounds of cremated remains (bone fragments and ash).

Alkaline hydrolysis is an alternative cremation process that uses water instead of flame. Alkaline hydrolysis uses water, heat, pressure, and chemicals to speed up the natural decomposition process. Also called aquamation, this method is considered to be more environmentally-friendly than flame-based cremation and is currently legal in 20 states.

How Much Does Cremation Cost?

As is the case with everything, the cost of cremation depends on what you get. Families that choose direct cremation (where the body is cremated immediately after death without any formal ceremony) often end up paying the least – the total cost of a direct cremation can be as little as $500 depending on your location.

However, adding on options to a direct cremation will cost more. For example, features like a viewing, memorial service, and/or burial of ashes can increase the cremation price to $5,000 or more. Ask your cremation provider to explain what services they offer so you can select what works best for your budget – there a variety of customized cremation features that allow families to personalize a cremation and arrange an affordable memorable service for their loved one. That being said, according to the Cremation Research Council, the average cost of direct cremation in the United States is $1,100.

Different Types of Cremation Urns

After the cremation is complete, the cremated ashes are usually returned to the family in a cremation urn. Cremation urns are used to store cremated ashes and come in all shapes, sizes, materials, and designs. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with the variety of options when selecting a cremation urn, but here are a few tips to remember before you go shopping.

First, make sure you pick the right size urn – cremated ashes are surprisingly heavy, so you want to pick an urn that will safely hold all of your loved one’s remains. Cremation urns come in different sizes for adults and children, and there are also urns that can hold two sets of ashes. Pet cremation urns are also available in numerous sizes and designs depending on your personal preferences.

Keep in mind the ultimate purpose of the cremation urn. Are you going to scatter your loved one’s ashes? Lightweight wooden cremation urns work well for scattering because they are easy to carry and hold, and they meet airport security guidelines for traveling with cremated remains.

Are you planning on burying the cremation urn? Many families choose to bury their loved one’s urn in above-ground cremation niches or cremation benches. You can also store a small amount of ashes in a personal keepsake urn or cremation jewelry item.

If you prefer to display the cremation urn at home, there are various display urns that can be customized to represent your loved one’s personality or taste, e.g., a military cremation urn is a great choice for a veteran.

Shopping for Urns
Cremation urns are available in stores or online. However, we strongly recommend doing your research as not all vendors provide quality urns at reasonable prices. In fact, some of the “cheaper” urn sources aren’t so cheap in the long run – see our post on urn shopping online to learn more.

Birds of a Feather: Cardinal Cremation Urn

Way back when we launched the urngarden.com site, we tried to focus on inspirational people and images that would lift us up out of the darkness and hopefully inspire others too.

My grandmother was one of the most impactful people in my life both personally and professionally, Our business name, Urn Garden came from her habit of creating memorial gardens when a loved one died. Back then, she lived on a large farm out in the country and she would dedicate a special planting on her property to honor that person. These spaces were tastefully arranged with flowers, shrubs, or statutory and did NOT look like a graveyard.

Later, she sold the farm, did a major downsize and moved to a condo in town, where she was closer to family and friends. She had a postage stamp size yard still full of flowers, but with more time on her hands, she started amassing a collection of bird figurines, that soon covered every surface in the house.

We joked about it, glad that it was inanimate objects, and not cats, so we christened her place “The Fowl House”. On one visit, as I sat on the couch in her front room, I started counting the birds within sight. I stopped at 100. It had become an obsession.

Bird & Butterfly Cremation Urns for ashes

That’s how we came up with the Bird and Butterfly collection of cremation urns (she liked butterflies, too) because of how bird crazy she was. She believed that if you loved it, you better put a bird on it.

Cardinal cremation urn for ashes
Cardinal Adult Cremation Urn

Cardinals were probably her favorite, and the Cardinal on Dogwood urn for ashes is a tribute to her. This urn is so beautiful and the old saying that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Recently, this style has been copied by imposters, so just know that when you buy from us, know that it’s the original design created by Americans that care about your family, and we can offer professional engraving services as well.

For years my grandparents were members of the Silver Eagles and went to conventions and made many friends from around the country. Soaring Free Eagle Cremation Urn is another style that we launched to honor that history.

eagle cremation urn for human ashes

My dear grandmother peacefully died in her sleep three years ago and at her memorial service we put that bird collection out for the guests to take as a keepsake. We were surprised at the turn out, many came from out of town, but she had made a huge impact on others lives as well. I miss her every day. I was lucky enough to inherit a few pieces of her jewelry, one favorite is a chunky turquoise bracelet that I wear when I want to feel the weight of her presence. Before she died, she had made a quilt that I sleep with every night and it feels like a hug. I miss holding hands with her and her gentle loving spirit.

As I’m typing this, a cardinal is perched on a dogwood branch, right outside my window. I can’t tell if it’s a male or female, but that bird is super chirpy this morning. Maybe that’s a sign?

Anyway, imagine my surprise, when I received a handwritten thank you not from a client. This is a rare and welcome gift, as I consider the act of writing a thank you note a dying art. This came from the heartland of America, so that gives me hope. This family in Kansas had recently held a memorial service for their mom who was also known as a sister, aunt, grandmother, cousin, and friend.

small cardinal cremation urn for ashes
Small Cardinal Keepsake Urn for Ashes

The cardinal must have meant something to their family as well, because in addition to ordering the cardinal cremation urn, they created a funeral program which featured a poem with a picture of a cardinal. Not gonna lie, I was so touched by not only the gesture, but the poem really spoke to me and I felt myself even get a little misty as I read the words. They reminded me so much of dear Etta, my grandmother. I want to share them with you, too and hope it brings you comfort.

Red Feathered Soul

When you’re lost or feeling down,

Don’t despair, just look around

God made me red so you would see,

I still exist outside your memory.

I make my visits in bright daylight,

You’ll hear my son in distant flight,

My cardinal song is a call to you,

To tell you that I miss you too.

I am everywhere and finally free,

Like love you cannot touch or see,

You’ll see me in the trees and skies,

I didn’t leave, love never dies.

Elle Bee

Celebrity Cremations: Pro-Wrestler “Big Daddy V”

Image Courtesy: WWE

Although this post was intended to focus on the cremation of pro wrestler “Big Daddy V;” it’s more about what his wife Cassandra did with his ashes after his death. I saw it as a window from which we could touch upon a big issue for many families: what to do with cremated remains.

I think people have been in a quandary about what to do with the loved ones ashes ever since cremation became widely available. For generations we buried the casketed or shrouded bodies of our family members in an accepted ritual fashion (visitations, funerals, graveside services). That’s not the norm anymore: the U.S. cremation rate is now over 50% (source). Now it’s common to hear stories about families who have boxes of ashes on shelves and garages and in laundry rooms.

Cremated Ashes in the Cupboard

Hey, I’m one of them…I’ll admit it: my ex-husband’s ashes are in a small freestanding “reliquary” cupboard right behind me. The temporary urn has been there for four years.

I can tell you some rather weak reasons — I’m saving them for the time when they can be co-mingled with my own and then scattered. But where? And why? After all, we were divorced almost as long as we were married.

Here’s another ‘more wish than reality’ intention: my ex was an avid scuba diver, and it would be appropriate to have his ashes turned into a reef. That’s a bit expensive, so the thought passes quickly. The bottom line is I don’t know what I really need to do with his ashes; so there they sit.

My indecision is one reason why I’d like look at the question “what to do with cremated remains.” Another is that I know I’m not alone in the dilemma. The phrases “ideas for loved ones ashes” and “what to do with cremated remains” are two popular search terms; tells me that other people really don’t know what they should do with the box of ashes returned to them by the funeral director. Before we go deeper, let’s get back to Big Daddy V’s story.

Nelson Frazier, Jr. “Bid Daddy V” Dies on February 18, 2014

When pro-wrestler Nelson Frazier, Junior, professionally known as “Big Daddy V”, “Mabel,” and “Viscera”, died in 2014 at 43, the event passed unnoticed.

What did catch my eye was what his wife Cassandra did with his cremated remains. In July of that same year, it was announced she had put his ashes into “500 pendants and placed on necklaces, and then she’s going to gift them to his loved ones” (source). The remainder of the ashes went into this beautiful black and gold urn, known as “Black Beauty”.

What a fine idea – memorializing a loved one with cremation jewelry –although this gift giving act was performed on a large scale. Most of us will never have a situation like that arise. Still, it’s a fine example of thinking “outside the box” (pun intended). it’s certainly something any one of us could do: gifting a cremation pendant or keepsake urn to those who’d appreciate it most. What else can you do with cremated remains?

Sometimes though, even though you think it’s a good idea to gift a loved ones ashes in a piece of jewelry, not everyone is on board with it. Over the years, we’ve had customers report that the gift of cremation jewelry backfired when the recipient was less than thrilled with the idea of wearing the decedents ashes around their neck.

Things to Do with Cremated Ashes

Perhaps the most common thing people do with the ashes of a loved one is to scatter them in a special place — or even more than one place. Unfortunately, people often break laws when they scatter ashes.

I can share a story with you: a friend recently arranged a scattering ceremony for her oldest daughter at a local state beach. She didn’t know the legalities of her decision. While nothing was said to her by authorities, it’s always smart to check with the state or local offices and get proper permits.

You’ll find dozens of online articles about what you can do with a loved one’s ashes. One author, Jenn Savedge, The author of a 2016 Mother Nature Network online article made a very good point with her second suggestion: bury or inter the ashes in “a local cemetery or columbarium.”

This is especially important to Catholics, she notes, as the Vatican declared it to be the only option sanctioned by the Catholic Church. The Vatican recently released a statement reminding Catholics that the ashes of the dead should be kept in “sacred places.” They are not to be kept at home or scattered on “unholy ground.” It can be costly though; a columbarium niche can set you back over $700 – and it can cost closer to $3,000 for an urn burial plot depending on where you live.

Another suggestion gets us right back where we started: store them at home. One would hope that you wouldn’t just keep the ashes on a laundry room shelf or in a small cupboard with the table lamp on as in my case. Instead you choose a beautiful cremation urn and you would create a small sacred space in your home where you could memorialize your loved one. (Check out our blog post, “DIY Memorials: How to Create a memorial Shrine” for ideas.)

What other things can you do with cremated remains? Ms. Savedge noted a few others some of which seem a little trendy and maybe not even very smart. I refer directly to her comment that you could turn your loved one into a memorial tattoo. There’s plenty of information on the internet on how this process is achieved. Other ideas included to aforementioned ocean reef thought regarding my ex husband Matt’s ashes; along with suggestions like these:

Blown glass sculptures made in the colorful shapes of spheres or starfish are also popular ways to infuse the cremains into a work of art. It just takes a small amount of ashes and several weeks of production time, but the results are stunning.

• Send them into the wild blue yonder via sky scattering services like Celestis, Mesoloft
• Turn them into a vinyl record using a service like Advinyly.
• Turn them into a diamond via LifeGem or similar service

All of these seen just a bit contrived; and are pretty good evidence that, as a society, we just don’t know what we should do with our loved one’s ashes.

It’s a very personal decision. It’s got to be meaningful; it’s got to be worthy of your loved one’s memory. I’m especially fond of cremation jewelry and there’s certainly nothing more beautiful than a well- chosen cremation urn. If you’re looking for inspiration, be sure to check out the articles in the Urn Garden Learning Center as well as other posts in the Urn Garden blog.