Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

Memorial Service Ideas

Comfort Zone

QUOTE FOR THE DAY:
“When you’re stuck sitting in a comfort zone, small problems become magnified. Get out of your comfort zone, touch the edge, and you come back with an appreciation for life.” – Barbara Warren, 1943-2008

Barbara Warren was filler in my local newspaper, I found a wire service blurb about this senior athlete tucked away and was so impressed by her story that I wanted more information. She’d led such an inspirational life and I was just starting to meet several seniors who were fascinatingly fit at my part time job at the gym.

There were a few of them, regulars. And for three years I’d see these silver foxes come every day. A few women, mostly men. Don’t be fooled by the gray hair or wrinkles, these people could kick your ass at boot camp or in the pool.

Which brings me to Don. Champion bridge player, lover of ladies and poodles, fisherman and hunter. He was the oldest guy I knew who’d met his wife on the internet. Don was fit and certainly did not look or act his 70 plus years. So, when he started having long drawn out nosebleeds last October he got it checked out before he left for to winter over in Florida. For the last year he’s been getting experimental treatments for a form of leukemia. Last week I saw him at the gym and thought he looked rather gray.  On Monday of this week, Don’s wife emailed me to say that Don had passed away. The subject line said: “please forgive me for this email – it’s so impersonal”.

But I didn’t feel that. The message was brief:

Don passed away this morning in his sleep
there will be a memorial for him at our home this Saturday at noon.

Don’s wife wasn’t on Facebook, but kept everyone in her address book updated on his condition, so I was glad to know what his status was. Although I only knew him for three years, Don was my friend, and felt like a grandfather to me, although it would have been offended his ego to be considered so paternally.

The strength of this small demo I encountered almost tricked me into thinking that you could live forever. I was kind of surprised when he died and had to remind myself that he was almost 80. Time ran out.

Another email followed to invite friends and loved ones over to the house at noon, bring a lawn chair, meats provided by the Bridge Club. I have some great memories to share.

 

Private Paddle Out Ceremony

Dear Mother Vintage Postcard

We’re seeing a shift lately in more families choosing to scatter the ashes either over water or a sacred space on land. One client has been on our mind this week as she prepared for a private ceremony to scatter her mother’s ashes.

Her mom has been gone for a couple of years now, and while they were very close, for the last two weeks the daughter had been having disturbing dreams about her mother. In the dreams her mom was upset with the daughter and on a couple of occasions would demand to know “What are you waiting for?”

Well, she was waiting on her sister. They weren’t that close, and geographically it wasn’t convenient. But lately the daughter felt it as if her mother was sending her a message that it was time to do something with the ashes. Her mom loved the beach, so she did the research for dispersing ashes in water and decided on a don’t ask, don’t tell private ash scattering ceremony.

She ordered the Journey water burial urn, checked the weather, took the rest of the week off, gathered her wake board, and planned to paddle out for small memorial service as we approach the first day Autumn. Just a girl and her mom at the beach.

Lenette,
Thank you so much for all your help.  True to your word, my order was delivered in time and was just what I needed.
Paddling out in about an hour to honor my Mom….

bio urns for ashes

Family Business and Junk Jewelry

During the interview on the memorial service in Colorado, Donnas’ caring philosophy for her aging parents really made me think about some of the families we’ve served that don’t have the stellar communication skills that her family has. The fighting, resentment, and confusion manifests and creates a taxing environment that spills out and splashes everyone around them. This theory of discussing family business without spouses involved seems to simplify a complicated conversation.  Eliminating the distance also helps, she’s lucky in that most of her siblings are in the area.

Donna also mentioned the friend that crafted necklaces and bracelets from her mother’s collection of costume jewelry to give to the granddaughters as a personal memorial.

My friend Susan recycles junk jewelry into brooches that are a small reminder of the person that wore them. She’s created beautiful memory jars using found objects like stray game pieces and interesting bits of metal.

Here she’s mounted a photo to an old eyeglass lens. I believe the trendy term is “up-cycled”. I call it trash to treasure.

upcycled eyeglass lens

Shovel by Shovel, We Committed our Parents Ashes

This past weekend, my friend Donna and her family buried her parent’s remains in the beautiful Sangre de Cristo Mountains in Colorado. It was a beautiful goodbye. Donna has been an inspiration to me through the years and she was kind enough to answer questions about planning a memorial service for two sets of ashes.

Were both of your parents cremated?

Yes, both parents were cremated following their funerals.  We had open caskets in the foyer of the church, and we escorted the closed caskets into the ceremony at the church where they worshiped.  We chose very special urns for each of them. Cremation took place the same day as the funerals.  We received their urns the next Day.

How long did you wait after their passing before scheduling this ceremony?

Because our Dad passed away suddenly on Christmas Day, at the age of 88, our Mom was cared for by all eight of us siblings in their home of 64 years. At 90+ years,  Mom was sometimes confused, about where he went.  We took pictures of her saying good bye to him at the funeral and had to gently remind her he was in heaven and shared the pictures of her saying goodbye.  His urn was kept in her China cupboard until she passed away in their home 1.5 years later.

With 8 kids in the family, was it hard to get everyone to agree on the idea, or was this preplanned by your parents?

My Dad always told us to bury him in Tercio, CO.  Mom didn’t want to be buried there because she says it gets too cold and far from home.  She wanted to stay closer to ‘home’.   After some inquiry about the cemetery there in Tercio, where my Dad grew up, we decided they both should be buried there.  At first, I felt sad to leave their remains out there, but it is such a beautiful place and they had a ranch not far from there that they visited and loved for 20 years after my Dad’s retirement.

Was this in a cemetery or private land?

It is a very old cemetery and most folks buried there are local families.

My brothers worked with the folks that managed the cemetery.  They requested that we not drive on the property but keep vehicles outside the fence.

One week before the burial, all 6 brothers prepared the site and brought the beautiful granite marker and base. Then the day before the burial , our youngest brother, dug the 3′ X 3′ hole and later in the day, we all watched as our  brothers laid their urns in an urn vault and sealed them. The next day, the ashes were transported to the cemetery.  At the cemetery, the urn vaults were wrapped in a white sheet next to the hole where they were buried.

After a familiar church song and prayer and scripture reading led by my sister who is a licensed Minister, four of the oldest nephews lowered the sheet in to the hole and wrapped the sheet around the urn vaults. Each of us, shovel by shovel committed our parents ashes to the beautiful mountains.

There was so much peace and strength from each other. Every one who wanted to share their appreciation to our parents, did so.  Very warm and caring with tears and laughter.  One special person, took all of our Mom’s costume jewelry, necklaces, beads, earrings and fashioned bracelets and necklaces for all the female survivors, daughters, daughters in law, grand daughters, grand daughters in law…each picked something they would treasure.

Anything else you’d like to add?

Because there are so many of us surviving siblings, we always met or included each other in any decisions by meeting in person or texting.  We made decisions by only meeting with the siblings and not our spouses.  We knew our parents, and we knew how they expected us to be respectful of each other with love and dignity.  We were taught to love God, despise evil and make good choices.  We are very close to each other. I am glad I moved back here to help with our parents.