Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

losing a child

Surviving Mother’s Day When You’ve Lost a Child

A few years ago one of my friends attended her 22 year old sons’ funeral on Mother’s Day. She still has not recovered and as you can imagine Mother’s Day is a difficult day.

She had high hopes for her son, so smart and handsome. But the last few years, he had been in and out of rehab and was in the process of completing treatment that spring. The facility was out of state and when in contact with his mother he sounded bright about his future and looked forward to coming home and working in the family business. A fresh start.

He never left town. Instead, his mother received the phone call that no one wants. Her son’s body had been discovered in a known drug house and arrangements needed to be made to bring him home.  My friend was shattered and broken. Physically, she’s a strong woman and during this terrible time she could barely stand.

When I saw her a year later she said she was day to day and realized that she would never understand the power of addiction. She needed to remain strong not only for herself, but for the rest of her family. She’s more spiritual than religious and practices healthy eating and vigorous exercise which helped move her through the stages of grief and to realize that she couldn’t save her son. She couldn’t make every choice for this young man. He chose to go to that bad neighborhood. He chose to get high instead of getting on the plane to come home. The family had supported him and  provided the tools and resources to help which makes it an even more bitter pill to swallow.  A memorial service for your son on Mother’s Day? Does not compute.

Mother’s Day Can Be Difficult When You’ve Lost a Child

Dear Mother Vintage Postcard

Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and for those whose moms are no longer here, the day holds painful reminders of those losses. Mother’s Day is also a very difficult time for women whose children died. The sentiments alone expressed on that day are enough for many to question their roles of motherhood, especially if the young one who died was their only child.

If you or someone you know are in this situation, the first thing to remember is that a mother is and always will be a mom, no matter if her child is in her arms or buried in a cemetery. Experience has shown me that the days leading up to Mother’s Day are harder than the actual day itself. I vividly remember my first Mother’s Day after I lost my daughter, Emily, in 2000. My husband took me away to Las Vegas for the weekend. I was treated to a luxurious hotel room and had an amazing spa day. It was exactly what I needed to escape.

However, I came home to the reality that although my child wasn’t here on Earth, I was still a mother. The following Mother’s Day, I was pregnant with my second daughter, but that holiday still tugged pretty hard at my heart strings. So here’s what I did. I was kind and patient with myself and tried not to get all wrapped up emotionally in the holiday. After all, it only comes once a year. I surrounded myself with loved ones who got how I was feeling.

I also wrote my thoughts about being a mom in a journal and visited the cemetery where my daughter is buried. My husband and I went out to a pleasant dinner the day before, so we wouldn’t be bombarded with all the Mother’s Day sentiments. Finally, I celebrated the growing life in me.

And you know what? I survived. Every Mother’s Day since those first two years has been filled with joy and happiness. I do, however, always take time from the day with my living children to honor, bless and celebrate the very short time I got to be Emily’s mom here on Earth. Remember, love never dies.

About the author: Mary Beth Adomaitis is a freelance writer living in Southern California with her husband and two living children. After her daughter’s death in 2000, she began writing about Death and Dying topics as a way helping others going through the tragic loss of a child. She can be reached at mba317@mac.com

National Children’s Memorial Day

“It is difficult to accept death in this society because it is unfamiliar. In spite of the fact that is happens all the time, we never see it.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

One of the more unspoken facts of life is the death of a child. For generations, when children passed away — no matter the age or cause — it was wrong to talk about or even grieve the young one. But the fact is children die every day from all causes, and they are mourned just as much as a wife who loses her husband or a daughter who loses her dad.

However, it’s only been in the last few decades that it has become socially acceptable to mourn the loss of a child. No longer are parents told that they can have other children or that it’s best to not talk about the deceased.

Today, those young lives are honored, celebrated and most importantly, remembered on National Children’s Memorial Day. Held the second Sunday in December, this proclamation, signed by President William J. Clinton in 1998, validates the grief and despair felt by bereaved families each day. It also allows them to gather and share their loved ones with those who truly understand their pain and anguish.

If you lost a child or know someone who has, take time today to remember that precious life. At 7 p.m. local time, light a candle. Supporters all over the world are doing the same, creating a 24-hour wave of light that encircles the world.