Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

pet loss

Pet Loss – I Feel Your Pain

Yesterday I took a call from a pet owner who lost their sweet 16 year old Shih Tzu last week. She found the heart shaped pet urn with angel wings and had some questions about the engraving.

angel wings heart urn for ashes

She sounded young on the phone, but was a “mature” woman and her story was that growing up, her mother never allowed dogs. Ever. Because she’d never had a dog, she passed that on to her child. At some point the little girl wanted a lop eared bunny and obsessed over it.

lop ear bunny sketch Charles Darwin
lop ear bunny sketch by Charles Darwin 1868

Teachers at her school mentioned to the parents that she talked about getting a bunny often. The parents decided to go bunny shopping. Well, turns out that this fluffy bunny grew into a large aggressive rabbit measuring about 14 inches long. It did not like to be handled and if you did, you better wear gloves, like the kind you would wear to handle a falcon. It was a disaster.

On shopping trips to the neighborhood pet store to get rabbit food, her daughter would always check out the puppies and plead for mom to come take a look. The answer was always “no, let’s just get the food and go.” But one day the universe shifted, and mother strolled over to take a look. She let the little girl hold the puppy. And then? She did. The puppy nuzzled and kissed her neck. She fell in love.

In the car on the way home, the two called Dad at work, “How much do you love us?” the daughter asked. “How much is it going to cost me?” he replied. After the girl pled her case, he agreed to stop by the store and take a look.

As children age and spread their wings, the dogs become our kids, and that’s what happened here. Even HER aging mom fell in love with that dog. Later in life, the grandmother moved in as she needed more care. Laying on the couch, the pup would snuggle with her and lay near her head. She was surprised that her mother allowed it. She’d been smitten too.

“Are you ready for another dog?” I asked. It’s only been a week, but with older dogs, the care they require can take a toll at the end. Physically, emotionally, and financially. “Not yet.” she said.

She’d spent the last couple of years running back and forth to the vet. This breed tends to have a lot of eye problems as they age. And after this past week, she was tired.

Believe it or not, the conversation took a turn to online shopping and she tipped me to her favorite website for clothes, which I am terrified of buying without touching and trying on. I was excited to get a highly recommended lead, and after our call, I checked it out, and hated everything! Not my style. It was interesting though, to make a solid connection with this person thousands of miles away, feel the joy and pain in her world, and be worlds apart on fashion, which most people form first impressions on. It reminded me about the old “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” adage and how true it is.

Paw print heart urn for pets

Anyway, about the white heart she picked. It’s a medium size that comes in 3 colors, white (that’s what she picked), pearl blue, and lavender.

blue heart pet urn for ashes


purple heart urn for ashes pet or people

They engrave beautifully, although you are limited on how much text you can have. She was torn between paw prints and angel wings, but decided on the wings for her little angel, because that’s what she was.

Grieving a Lost Pet: 5 Tips to Coping with the Death of a Pet

I’ve got to say; writing last week’s post, “Courage’s Story” A Pet Quality-of-Life Lesson,” opened the door to a flood of emotions, likely spill over into this follow-up post about pet loss. Honestly, many pet owners tell me the death of their pet, regardless of whether it was unexpected or not,  was far more traumatic than the death of an aging relative. Grieving the loss of a pet can be an intense experience – especially when (as in Courage’s case) – the pet’s illness is prolonged and difficult.

A Story About Pet Loss Grief

I can’t remember what day of the week it was – or even the date –when I picked up the phone and tearfully spoke to the receptionist at our vet’s office. More than anything, I needed him to come to the house to euthanize Courage as soon as he was able. Our mutual suffering was becoming too much for us to handle; we were up at all hours of the night in his restlessness.

No doubt she could tell how much my heart ached. I was both emotionally and physically exhausted with his round-the-clock care. Add to that my ex-husband’s illness, and I was beside myself with sorrow and fear. Sadly, my vet was out-of-town, but she told me she could recommend another.

Naturally, the tears started all over again when his receptionist answered. Somehow, she managed to calm me down and, in short order, an appointment arranged for 5:00 p.m. that evening.

I had two hours with Courage before the vet was due, and I think I held Courage and cried the whole time. No, that’s not right; I had a fight with my youngest son (then about 25) because he couldn’t bear to stay during the procedure. We yelled at one another over Courage’s head; I still regret creating such an environment for him. Not only that, I repeatedly called Matt, my ex, but his line was busy. (What that meant – at this time in his cancer treatment, he had fallen asleep after a call, without turning off the phone. I was so angry with him, as he had promised to come over to support me. As we all have learned at one time or another, things have a way of working out for the best. After all, It was just me and Courage, and I am so fortunate to have had that precious opportunity.

Brave Tales of real dogs book

Just a Bit More…

My son came home as soon as the vet was gone, and together we took Courage over to his dad’s house for burial (near Gus, the dog whose death started all this). It was a bittersweet time: we woke Matt, who brought out bright outdoor lights, and he and I sat together and watched as Nathan dug his dog’s grave. We were home by about 8:30, and I went straight to bed, where I cried myself to sleep. It had all been ‘too much’ for me – and the days following his death weren’t much easier. Pet loss grief, which had accompanied me for months in the guise of anticipatory grief – a complex of emotions I had come to know since Thanksgiving Day, 2012, when Matt was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. Read about it in “Anticipatory Grief: One Woman’s Story.”

The Aftermath

Now that Courage was gone, it was time to grieve his death. Most people understand just how devastating a pet’s passing can be – but there are some who simply don’t know why you’re so upset.

That means, it can be a challenge to mourn openly about the death of a pet. For that reason alone, cultivating good self-care practices while in the throes of pet loss grief is essential.

Tips to Help Deal with the Loss of a Pet

Here are 4 tips to help you survive the pet loss grief journey; I like to call them the “Four Rs and an M:”

1. Reserve time each day to actively grieve, thereby releasing your emotions

2. Reflect often upon the life shared between yourself and your beloved pet. Write about it, or use a digital recorder. Think of it as a cleansing of heart and mind.

3. Resolve to take care of your basic needs: get enough sleep and be sure to eat (even if you’re not hungry – grieving is hard work).

4. Remain attentive to the needs of your other pets, adhering to their usual routine as much as possible. They too are feeling the loss you know; so allow time for you all to comfort one another.

5. Memorialize your pet. In other words, dedicate time to come together with family and friends to celebrate the personality and life of your pet and honor the spirit.

Letting Go of Pet “Ownership:” The Cumulative Effects of Pet Loss

Courage wasn’t the only dog I came to love; there were at least 7 others who joined me in life’s trials and tribulations. But it was Courage who’s death (and the subsequent grief) affected me so deeply; enough to force me to vow I’d never have another pet, as long as I lived.

I’ve held to that promise; but it doesn’t mean there aren’t animals in my life. I have the joy of loving and sometimes caring for a neighbor’s pets, Duchess the Dog and Sunny the cat. And yes, I love them; I guess my heart didn’t close all the way that day.

Looking for additional help in dealing with the death of a pet? Stop by Urn Garden’s Learning Center, where there are many articles of interest, including “Coping with the Loss of a Pet,” and the thought-provoking “What I Learned from My Dogs.”

What I’ve Learned From My Dogs

pet urn

Every pet owner has a sad dog story. My dogs are elderly and we’re preparing for the end of the journey, as are a couple of our friends lately. Here’s a few tip from our board of directors.

pet urn

  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
    Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
    Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to
    Be pure ecstasy.
    When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
    Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
    Take naps.
    Stretch before rising.
    Run, romp and play daily.
    Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
    Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
    On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
    On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
    When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
    No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout;
    Run right back and make friends.
    Delight in the simple joy of taking a walk.
    Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
    Stop when you’ve had enough.
    Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not.
    If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
    When someone is having a bad day, be silent.
    Sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

I Slept With Elvis

bird in the hand

What I learned today:

For 10 years one of my clients showered and shared her bed with a cockatoo named Elvis.

Cockatoo
Cockatoo

Elvis liked to ride in the car and eat cheeseburgers and ice cream at the DQ.

He would hold up a foot and scream “Raspberry!” and want you to blow on his toes.

Client has nine other birds in the parrot family, and Elvis was never really part of the bird population. He preferred to perch on the shoulder of his master. He was kind of an attention whore, and had to be near (or on) when master was in the house. Folding laundry, watching tv, or going to the bathroom, there he was. Evidently, it’s not uncommon for the cockatoos to live to be 70 or 80 years old. Even with all that love in the room, Elvis only made it to 10.

This is the bird urn his owner selected. While my client prefers a traditional burial for herself, she has instructed her kids that Elvis’ ashes will be placed in her casket when the time comes.

Sitting Doves Keepsake Urn
A Home for Elvis

Rest in peace my cheeky little cockatoo.

 

Like the Son He Never Had

Florida passed a piece of legislation that allows humans to be buried with their pets. Previously, funeral homes were prohibited from handling animal remains and ashes of humans and animals could not be co-mingled.

At the Best Friends Animal Hospital at Gateway, office manager, Rainy Hoy, said about half of their clients take home their pet’s ashes. “They just want to keep them. They’re like family to them,” Hoy said.

Fort Myers resident Joe Castrogiovanni wouldn’t consider euthanizing his 2-year-old dog Barkley to put him in the casket, but he would consider saving Barkley’s ashes.

“It may be a little weird, but he’s like the son I never had,” Castrogiovanni said.

Jay O’Shaughnessy, funeral director for Anderson Funeral Home of Fort Myers with more than 30 years’ experience, said he has received requests from clients wanting their loved ones to be buried with remains of their pet.

“It’s not a real new deal. We’ve done stranger things than that,” he said. “It’s always the family’s idea.” Complete article here.

He’s right, it’s not unusual. Urngarden has received several requests for urns large enough to contain the pet owner and the ashes of their cats or dogs. Or couples that have left instructions for their children to bury their ashes in the back yard with the family pets.

We had a dog, dear Bonnie, that I always thought I’d have taxidermied so we could enjoy her to the end. She died on a camping trip and had to be buried on the spot. Looking back, I’m glad we didn’t have the opportunity to get her stuffed!

Now, my two precious pups I’ll probably sprinkle somewhere, or maybe I’ll save their ashes to be packed into a mortar shell with me!