grief recovery

Today is Valentine’s Day, and who wouldn’t love flowers from her husband on this most romantic of days? That is unless your husband is dead. Is it still romantic? Creepy? Or simply just hindering this woman’s road to grief?

There’s a woman in Texas whom, during her 46 years of marriage, received a bouquet of flowers each Valentine’s Day from her husband. Without fail, the flowers arrived every February 14 with a short note that read, “My love for you grows.” Sadly, he passed away a few years ago, and on the first Valentine’s Day following his death, she received a bouquet of flowers — from her husband — with a note that read, “My love for you is eternal.”

Heartbroken, she called the florist who informed this grieving widow that her husband had prepaid for Valentine’s Day bouquets for many years to come. He was trying to keep a tradition going that he started when they were newlyweds a half-century ago. With her heart in her throat, she was so grateful that her deceased husband was thoughtful enough to do this for her.

Some have said this is truly romantic, that his love for her didn’t die when his body did. Others, however, are saying that this woman will have a hard time coming to terms with his death and grieve the loss if each February, this reminder of his love and their marriage arrives on her doorstep. Is this what happily ever after is supposed to be all about?

There’s a saying that goes “If a wife loses a husband, she’s a widow; if a child loses his parents, he’s an orphan. But, what do you call a parent who loses a son or daughter?” Bereaved? Devastated? Lost? Empty? These words scrape only the surface of the emotions felt by a mother when her child dies.

Thirteen years ago this past weekend, my daughter, Emily Irene, passed away from birth defects. She lived for eight hours on life support. When she was born, she was whisked away so quickly that I never got to touch or hold her. In fact, I never even saw her eyes open or heard her cry. Thinking back to this day brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart. All these years later as I think about celebrating her birthday, my grief is still as fresh as it was back then.

And that’s OK.

Because mothers have a lifelong attachment to their children, they always hold them close, no matter where they reside, what their age or if they are alive or dead. It’s just human nature, and most times, it is a bond that is never broken.

This past Saturday, as I entered the cemetery with my family to leave flowers at Emily’s grave, I saw another child’s funeral being performed. It wasn’t hard to spot the smaller white casket; granted it wasn’t a baby who died, but it was someone’s son or daughter. Despite the grief I experienced, I knew of the helplessness and desperation that child’s mother was feeling, and I know that in one month, one year, or even 10 years, there will be days or instances when that grief will come flooding back.

You see, the pain never goes away. Ever. The grief a mother feels when her child dies is so deep and so raw that no amount of closure, support, and even living will take away the memory someone so precious and so dear. So, don’t think that just because a certain amount of time has passed, that a mother is fine on her child’s birthday. No one should define the amount of time a person grieves a loved one. Grief has no timeline.

About the author: Mary Beth Adomaitis is a freelance writer living in Southern California with her husband and two living children. After her daughter’s death, she began writing about Death and Dying topics as a way helping others going through the tragic loss of a child. She can be reached at mba317@mac.com.

My Love For You Is Eternal

Grieving The Loss of a Child