Life in the Garden

Matters of Life and Death

Confessions

What the Catholic Church Says About Cremation, Burial, and Funeral

celtic cross grave stone

In 1963 the Vatican allowed cremation and this practice has been part of Church law since 1983.

Catholics believe that when death occurs, the soul meets God, and God gives perfect life to bodies by reuniting them with their souls. The body must be present at the funeral, and there’s more:

Cremains Must Remain Intact (the whole body)

The ashes may not be scattered over land water, or divided among family members and friends. That means cremation jewelry or keepsakes for families that want to retain a portion of the cremated remains are forbidden.

When people put ashes in a necklace, “You’re treating the deceased as if it is a possession of yours. You don’t possess people.” says Father Patrick Carrion, a priest for more than 40 years.

In December 2023, the Vatican published a note signed by Cardinal Víctor Fernández and approved by the Pope, stating that family members could place “a minimal part of the ashes” to kept in a sacred place. This was in an effort to clear up confusion regarding cremation and the handling and storage of ashes.

Couples that want their ashes co-mingled should speak to their priests for clarification. Some Catholic cemeteries provide a “sacred” space designated for preservation of the ashes of those that want to be together for eternity.

Urns Don’t Belong in the Home

This question comes up often, but the Church believes that Cremation urns must be buried or interred in a mausoleum or columbarium and NOT kept in the home.

Eulogies at the Funeral

Eulogies are not part of the funeral Mass and should occur at the wake. “That’s not what our ritual is meant to be” says Fr. Carrion. If the family insists on eulogies at the Mass, Fr. Carrion sets a limit of two eulogies that are each five minutes in length and will be delivered before the body enters the church.

Regarding burials, embalming the body, and using sealed caskets and concrete vaults are fine. Natural green burials that are environmentally friendly are also Church approved.

Other methods that involve treating and dissolving the body with chemicals, called “composting” are unacceptable and legal in only seven states.

Read the complete article here:

Here’s another article for more information on other religious views on cremation.

Types of Cremation Urns that Families Buy Pt. 2

Bluebird Cremation Urn and Keepsake

With so many types of cremation urns on the internet and at the funeral home, it can be so overwhelming to pick one out. Here’s a few selections that our customers made and the stories behind them.

The blue bird cremation adult urn and the little mini bluebird keepsake urn was the choice a customer in Michigan picked for her brother. She was letting him stay at her place, where he eventually died on her couch. She knew he was ill, but she also knew that he would not allow her to nurse him and had no idea how sick he really was.

He was asleep on the couch when she went to bed and still there when she got home from work the next day. He never moved and she questioned whether he was dead when she went to bed the night before.

Urns for Two People

A California family decided it was time to buy a companion urn for the parents. Dad had died 25 years ago and Mother had passed in the last 2 years. They wanted a container that the ashes could be co-mingled and have room for the family pet.

The wanted a box shape, and many of the double sized urns have a divider to separate the ashes, so this narrowed our choices. In addition to a specific style, they planned to bury the urn in a cemetery on the opposite side of the country. This required coordinating the logistics as they preferred not to board the plane with an urn and 3 sets of ashes.

Often, this family vacations in Hawaii and has already told their adult children, that they want their ashes scattered there.

In New Jersey, another family was shopping for an urn for their parents who wanted to be together forever. They were married for 70 years and died 6 months apart. The whole family lived in the same neighborhood, on the same block. There was lots of help when it came time to clean out the parents’ home, who had accumulated several generations of family heirlooms and artifacts.

They were an immigrant family who loved America and served in the military. While working on the estate, they found service medals and a flag from France, belonging to an uncle who had been killed at Normandy. The parents will be interred in a veteran’s cemetery with full military honors.

Motorcycle Urn

In Texas, a lady was helping her uncle pick out his urn as he neared the end of his life. He loved cars and motorcycles, and the old Route 66 ran right through their town. We debated on the proper pronunciation of “route” or “root”. Our Route 66 motorcycle urn was a perfect choice for him.

Beach Themed Urns for Ashes

In Florida, a young lady wanted the Medium Siesta Key urn for her mom, who died on Christmas day in 2021 from complications shortly after receiving a booster (according to her daughter). It was especially painful for the daughters as they could not be with their mom, as both the girls had covid.

An informal memorial service was held by the pool later in January with food and drinks, followed by an ash scattering ceremony at the beach. Guests had strict instructions to wear bright colors, absolutely NO BLACK.

American Made Butterfly Adult Urn

Meanwhile, in North Carolina a customer was very clear that she wanted an American artist created urn for her ashes. She ordered the Raku Butterfly Pottery Urn and sent this note:

“This urn is for me when I pass and I am presently still very much alive! Also, my body will go to a Medical School for teaching with return of my cremains once they are finished. They may keep the cadaver 2 weeks to 2 years at which time they shall cremate the body and return it to my family. I just wished to select my own urn since it shall be the receptacle of my cremains. I have done pottery in my life and love this piece and the placement of the butterfly, symbol of eternal life.”

We were honored to be able to assist with a work of art created by an American master artist.

If you are still trying to decide, here’s another post we did on various types and styles of urns that our customers have purchased recently. It’s a difficult decision and if you have questions or need a little help, reach out.

Types of Urns That Families Buy for Cremation

When there are so many types of cremation urn to buy, families tell us all the time that it’s overwhelming when they have to shop for a cremation urn. Nerves are shattered, they are emotional, and let’s get real….no one wants to shop for an urn. After shopping around and seeing all the styles that are available to buy, they know it when they see it. Added complications are when you are dealing with a committee and you have to run the choice by other family members and get everyone to agree.

Sometimes though, the family has a vision, and that makes it easier. Here’s a few examples of recent interactions and the type of urns that they bought.

Santa Rosa Beach Urn

Mom and Dad were living my dream of being a snow bird. For 20 years they spent winters from November to April at the same resort in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Mom’s health was poor and they were not able to go this year. Instead, they planned for an Easter brunch with family.

Mother fixed lunch and then completed addressing 20 Easter cards with a personal message for friends and family, And then? She died. Everyone knew she was ill, but it was so sudden, her husband and children were shocked.

Her son called after searching for “cremation vase beach”, he found the Santa Rosa Beach urn that was perfect for his mother. The problem was, he had a tight spot in a niche at the columbarium that he thought this urn might be too tall for. It was.

The good news is that we had the same style in a box (Salt Life) that he could order, get it personalized and delivered in time for his mother’s memorial service.

Raku Dragonfly Ceramic Urn

A client in California called after her mom passed away looking for a funeral urn that would be creative and unique, like her artist mother. Another requirement was that the urn had to be American made.

She chose the Raku Dragonfly Urn, made in the USA and signed by the artist. She was willing to wait a few weeks to get the urn produced. The husband and wife team that make the urns have a busy small business creating handmade memorials that are worth waiting for.

Madonna and Child Urn for Ashes

An Arizona customer is off to a bad start in 2023 after losing his mom after caring for her for the last several years in his home. He described his mom as a loving, church going lady.

His father has been diagnosed with dementia and had to be placed in memory care and that was not going well. Prior to being placed in a facility, his dad was hard to handle and even though being told by his doctor and family that he could no longer drive, he continued, causing a lot of stress and anxiety for his grown children. I could hear the fatigue in his voice.

Sky Blue Cultured Marble and Walnut Celtic Cross Box for Ashes

Two pilots that recently died, one on the job and the other was retired.

The widow picked the Sky Blue Cultured Marble urn because it reminded her of clouds, engraved with her husbands name in silver.

The son of the retired pilot chose a hand rubbed walnut box for ashes with the Celtic Cross on top, he also had it personalized. We rushed production on this one, but once we got it on the truck for transit, things went sideways with UPS and that is another story for another day.

Both of these urns were created by American artists.

Biodegradable Memento Urn for Water

Miami Beach customer bought the Memento Urn a year ago. The biodegradables have a stable shelf life if stored properly. He is just now getting around to having the memorial service, but discovered he could not find the box that the urn came in that had the instructions for filling or the water soluble bag and glue.

After his call for help, we were able to email instructions and help him source the other items needed to complete the process and get him ready to disperse the ashes.

The Memento is good for families that want a clean green funeral service and despite it’s unusual football shape, it comes in several colors and is ideal for a water or earth burial.

Depending on your needs, your vision, your loved one’s personality, there are many color, shapes and sizes of cremation urns. We can help you through it.

Urn Garden Cremation Urns

Kiss My Ash Cremation Urn Collection-Some of Our Craziest Personalized Urns for Adults

When a family buys an urn online, they often want the cremation urn personalized with names and dates. We can usually accommodate the request with laser engraving.

Sometimes we get some crazy requests though. If you request it, we’ll do it, even if we think it’s a bad idea. But, if we are being honest, sometimes these customers get the urn with the disrespectful inscription THAT THEY REQUESTED, and they get upset and probably have regrets. Laser engraving is permanent, so no take backs and we can’t edit or fix it. Choose your words wisely.

Years ago, we got a call from someone who was asking about engraving on an urn for his dad. When I asked him what he wanted to inscribe on the urn, he asked, “Can you engrave cuss words all over it?” We could, and after discussing what the final resting place would be (he was keeping it on display in the home) he backed away from his original vision and went with a more traditional format.

It gave us the idea to launch a “Kiss My Ash Collection” of cremation urns, and over the years we’ve saved a few of the creations that our customers have come up with.

Are these cremation urns dignified? Probably not. But we have to consider that these are grown adults that we are dealing with and maybe the messaging fits the personality of the deceased, or perhaps it was their final wish?

Lucky Shamrock Cremation Urn

Lucky Shamrock Cremation Urn is a popular style, it looks blue in this photo, but is actually green, but there is no mistake about the color of the deceased’s backside.

Route 66 Motorcycle Urn for Ashes

Route 66 Urn for Ashes, and this biker chic had an attitude that I can appreciate.

Another “urn with attitude” was this hot red memorial that probably spoke volumes about the deceased.

Celtic Cross Cremation Urn

The owner of the Celtic Cross Cremation Urn was a little more subtle in the messaging and actually inspired this collection.

“Always fun till we lost a wiener” not sure what the meaning is, but maybe it’s an inside joke. We giggled a little when we were setting the Celtic Cross urn up for engraving.

Deer in the Woods Cremation Box for Ashes

This cremation box puzzled us, but we just assumed maybe this was a phrase that the departed used often?

Cardinal Cremation Urn

The person that ordered the Cardinal Urn was a little milder and kind of cute. No names, no dates of the deceased, just “Fiddlesticks! “

Carol, on the other hand…maybe she often told her loved ones, “Someday you’ll miss my bitching!” Well, that day is here.

Journey Biodegradable Urn for Scattering Ashes on Water

We’ve all seen the meme on social media, the Journey Biodegradable urn takes it to a new level.

Celtic Cross Wood Box for Ashes

Recently we had a client who wanted an American made urn for his father, who had a distinguished military career and retired as a commercial pilot.

Our customer picked the Celtic Cross Wood Box, a work of art in hand rubbed dark walnut.

When he submitted the inscription, I had to ask…..

It turns out that his dad was an avid outdoorsman who loved to hunt and fish. Dad lived in a rural area and there was a couple of places nearby that he liked to fish. He referred to one of them as his “bass-hole”.

Maybe this was a situation where the deceased would tell the family “Someday, you’ll miss my bitching!” Whatever the scenario was, the family decided to inscribe their sentiments on an urn for eternity. They ordered and we delivered, we’ll never know the back story.

Siesta Key Beach Urn for Adult

A couple of examples of personalization on the Siesta Key Beach Urn. It comes on several different sizes, and these examples are done on the full-size adult.

The first one must have derived from the old story about the minister who was presiding over a funeral service and while trying to make a deep thoughtful statement, he instead made a memorable gaff that the mourners still laugh about today. “Here we have the shell” he said while gesturing to the casket, “but the nut is gone”.

One of our customers took that statement to the grave. Literally.

This next one was lifted from some song lyrics that were special to our clients’ adult daughter.

She called to ask about personalizing an urn and wanted to know if we had any objections to profanity. I told her that we would add whatever she wanted with the understanding that there are no returns or regrets.

I explained to her that we had experience with customers who were upset with their choice of words during a highly emotional time, and encouraged here to think it about it and if she still wanted the verse, we would do it.

Monday morning the order was placed and I was a little shocked, but she had explained that her daughter was an addict who had struggled with addiction for years and these words were spoken to her mother on more than one occasion.

In Mother’s defense, she did have a more loving message on the back side of the urn. She and I joked that it was a sweet and salty mix of sentiments.

We don’t pretend to try to understand why people choose the messaging they choose for the urns. One of our collogues sent this example that they had recently done for a client.

There are more, but we didn’t always get the pictures to prove it. All in all, my top choice for the Kiss My Ash urn collection is one that we do not have an image for, but was very simple and direct. Again, no name, no dates. Just the simple message: “SHE TRIED“.

Urn Garden Cremation Urns

Planning a Funeral for a Suicide

Recently, a friend of the family died suddenly, and his death shook us all to the core. It was confusing really, because he had unsuccessfully attempted suicide before. This time though, he accomplished the mission. He was only 27 and left behind a young son who adored his daddy. We weren’t shocked, yet we were. How do you explain this event to a child?

The life of our friend was difficult. In and out of foster care while growing up, criminal activity, drug and alcohol addictions, mental illness. All took its toll on him and on his family. But it wasn’t all dark. He was a big man with a big heart. He was a talented mechanic and a loving father and brother.

He had periods of clarity when he was clean and sober. This usually seemed to occur when he was in the care of one of his sisters. Once he would leave the saftey of their sanctuary, and go out on his own, it seems he wasn’t able to acclimate into the world, and the demons would return with a vengence. Now we realize that he needed a handler, he needed a director. Someone to guide and help him navigate. Hindsight is 20-20.

All of this to say, that planning a funeral was challenging. The family was open and honest about his struggles and used his obituary to raise awareness about mental health and substance abuse. Our friend was a car nut and one of his buddies organized a car show and burn out competition in his memory to raise funds for a children’s charity.

The family chose cremation and picked a beautiful metallic blue urn that was his favorite color. Some of the siblings wanted cremation jewelry and selected wrenches to honor his trade in auto mechanics.

He wasn’t a religious man, did not belong to a church, and with his difficult past, the family was torn about what to do regarding securing someone to preside over the memorial service. They didn’t want a stranger to get up and just read the obituary. The siblings didn’t feel strong enough to do eulogies themselves. The funeral home suggested a Funeral Celebrant that was able to connect us with someone who we were able to meet with and discuss our loved one’s life history and then the Celebrant was able to craft a nice eulogy that just fit.

Celebrants are trained to meet with a family, to hear their stories and to design a meaningful and unique service that honors the life and memories of the loved one. They are the voice of the family, putting all the elements that the family wishes to incorporate into a tribute that touches hearts and gives each person that attends the funeral something special to remember.

While getting to know the Celebrant that we worked with, I asked her, “What was the most challenging service you ever did”? She said the most memorable memorial service involved a young man of 35 who was killed in a police shootout. His early life was lived in a hollowed-out tree in a park with a drug-addicted mother and, not surprisingly, he was an addict by the age of 14. In an attempt to find sobriety, he went to AA at the age of 20 and met a young woman who was also trying to get clean. They married and had two beautiful little girls.

Her story:

He just had too many strikes against him with mental illness and addiction and ended up spending eight years in prison. His wife divorced him and made a new life for her girls, but the daughters stayed in touch through letters while he was serving his sentences.

He was released from prison in November of 2011 and was staying in a halfway house. One night he went on a binge and broke into a small suburban police station/city hall. He wrote strange words in his own blood on the walls and grabbed the lone policeman’s gun and shot him in the floor. A whole contingent of Oklahoma City police responded to the call, and he was shot 22 times.

His daughters, now 12 and 11, told their mother that they wanted to have a funeral for their dad. So, the mother called, and we met, along with one of his drug buddies, at a Barnes & Noble in the middle of Christmas shoppers for a family meeting. They gave me the few stories that they knew, and asked that I honor the fact that he tried his very best, no matter how broken he was, and that he always loved his girls.

The service was held at night with no announcement in the media because the family did not any attention. There were about 25 people who had been important in this young man’s life who came to the funeral home with fear and dread, not knowing what kind of service this could possibly be.

I tried to give voice to his hopes, his dreams, his struggles and his ongoing efforts to find the right path. The daughters and I lit candles in his honor, and I reminded the girls that he could now be in the stars watching over them and loving them. We played the songs -Hallelujah-by Rufus Wainwright and -Amazing Grace- by Judy Collins, and together everyone recited the Serenity Prayer. Keepsakes for friends and family were beautiful, brightly colored stars. Each person left feeling relieved that the service had been so honest and yet so positive, and glad that they had an opportunity to gather to share memories and support each other.

Without a celebrant willing to take on such a difficult service, that little family’s last memory of their loved one would have been his picture splattered all over the news and video of the bloody walls and shattered windows where he had been shot.

That was certainly one of those moments when I was so grateful to be able and available to offer a few moments of healing for a hurting family.

So many times, when there is a sudden tragic death, especially with a younger person, whether it be drug overdose, suicide, or senseless violence, the families are so grief stricken and sometimes deep in pain or shame that the there is no further mention of the deceased. That person dies and just disappears. It’s been said that funerals are for the living. You have options to help with the healing and closure that a funeral or memorial service can provide no matter how tragic the circumstances.